Dear diary,
I admitted that I am powerless over my tired mind, when that happen, I become very frustrated and hurt, very impulsive and impatient easily. It makes my life totally unmanageable.
I don’t know how to stay calm when I was frustrated and hurt.
When I get frustrated and hurt, I become careless and irresponsible and not mindful of my situation.
Mostly importantly I can forget about all the good work put in over many months, I start to lose discipline and become careless.
I start to lose my awareness, there was no more contentment or gratitude feelings for all that was achieve, slow and safe is not good enough.
I find it hard to treasure what I have. I will put myself in big risk and jeopardize losing everything.
I lose the ability to live in the present moment. When that happens, I am lead by my emotion and feelings.
During this time,” I don’t care about anything or anyone” and become very self centered, irresponsible, indiscipline and selfish.
I did not try to control my anger, I allow my anger the right to act out irresponsibly.
I only want to fix the situation when there is no need. That was the biggest mistake every times.
This is how I turn a safe situation into a dangerous one and end up with nothing every single time.
The discipline in the past was gone.
I have a safer alternative but I did not want to consider or use it. I find it too slow and tiring.
I am too impatient to consider a very slow and safe way to repair the situation. I want an instant gratification, I want it now.
My false feelings are not real and not the most important thing in my life and I have a better choice but unfortunately, I forget. I could have walk away from it. I could have move away to a safer place, or I can return when the situation is safer. I didn’t.
In another words, I did not want to place my love ones and personal safety as my top priority.
Fixing my hurt feeling and frustration takes center stage even at the expense of putting everyone in big risk.
I simply did not care anymore except correcting my anger.
I should not focus on these false feeling, they are dangerous situation to me.
Many times these decisions are impulsive, fast and sudden but the damage is long term.
It has happen time and time again in many areas of my life.
Knowing how to walk away when I get hurt or frustrated is a strength in the right situation
or
staying calm and keeping still is another strength at the right moment.
These strength keep me safe.