I AM powerless over my gambling and my life has become totally unmanageable!
However, things do not seem so dark today. …This is only day two that I haven’t dabbled in some form or other. …but as we know. ..This is no test whatever due to lack of funds. I am still scared that if I had access to money. ..It would be gone. I’m coasting along at the moment. …In that period where the severity of it dissipates because I can’t afford to hurt myself at the moment by losing more of my life. This is a regular pattern with me. I know I have a huge massive overwhelming problem. ..yet when I can’t let it in through lack of funding. ..It seems to shrink until the next payday.
So. ..now that I’ve been accepted for residential treatment I am definitely feeling more positive. I’ve been doing an awful lot of soul searching and thinking about various events in my life over the past day or so. Haven’t actually come to any conclusion as to why I’ve let this dreadful illness take me over completely as yet though. There’s rather a lot of past history!
The main thing is that I’ve shocked myself!
When I read some of the things that I have written here, I can’t quite believe that I am writing about myself! I am also shocked that since I’ve joined this site I’ve logged on and written something everyday. ..I did have a nagging doubt in my mind that it would dwindle and I’d give up!
But I haven’t. …and it’s my determination this time that is shocking me!
I haven’t got that voice telling me I’ll find a way to wriggle out of this mess myself. …and see nothing ahead but a black hole of despair. ..
I’ve well and truly thrown my hands up in surrender. I cannot do it alone. I’m grateful I’m getting much needed help.
The bf has paid my mortgage arrears. …so the house is safe for the moment. Repossession was due this week….
He told me on Saturday this was the last time he would ever help me financially. ..I said good. …that’s the way it has to be. ..otherwise I’ll fall back into the trap of assuming somehow I, or someone else, will always get me out of the messes I create.
Well I’ve excelled myself this time and created the mother of all messes….
I’ve got to make sure it’s the last. …
