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I finally got through to the live help and it gave me such a boost. i feel so much hope coming here, that i’m not alone. I have felt alone in this addiction for so long even though I have been surrounded by wonderful friends and supportive family, I have never been able to totally open up. I felt like I couldn’t talk about it. That they all think I am so strong and capable and hard working. I was always the one everyone went to for strength and help. I feel like it would be such a let down to all of them if they really knew. I hope I am not overposting here..but I feel like just writing is helping me so much right now.
I have $4.00 in my wallet today to last me 2 weeks. I stopped at the little store because my other entity was saying “Take that $4.00 and buy some scratch offs, maybe you will get a big winner!” I stopped and looked at that machine and then I walked right back out. My true self came through and told me “What on earth are you thinking? That $4.00 is a kings ransom right now and you are going to need it to be able to pick up your son from his track meet”. It worked. today. Normally I would have thrown caution to the wind and just bought them. I won a small, but important battle with myself today. To some it may seem insignificant but that was a huge test in will power for me.
I used to write poetry and participate in an active forum for writing and critique. As my gambling escalated, so did my passion for anything. I stopped writing. I stopped going to college. Today I just completed my re-entry packet to go back to school and finish my education. Today I wrote a poem. It’s not very good, but I am a little rusty. Gambling drained my spirit. Hopefully I can return to my old self little by little and start finding joy in the little things again.