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jenny t

Thank you worried mama, vera and velvet for your comments.they were so helpful.

I took your advice vera and I have got a union rep helping me with my work. My manager has been supportive of me, her manager is more formal and is following the work place procedure. Unfortunately the procedure is one rule fits all and I think that is so unfair but I now have excellent support from the union and they are hopeful that I won’t receive any formal warning.

My mum got out of hospital but became unwell again. So I contacted her gp and spoke to him about my concerns. I also have my mum’s neighbour contacting me on a regular basis as he goes into see my parents every day and he is letting me know how they are doing. That has been a fantastic help. My mum’s gp has also been good and he prescribed my mum more anti biotics and will also refer her for further tests as she continues to need antibiotics to stop the infections. the worry is her body will become immune to them. But I feel better after speaking to her GP and setting up supports from her neighbour. Unfortunately my parents are not entitled to any additional supports from services/home care as they have savings in their bank and would need to pay for this. They dont have a lot of money but some and I guess this would cause them more stress if they felt they had to ask and pay for help. Very independent people so visits from me and neighbours, along with the gp, its a plan.

My daughter has also been able to talk to me more but she also sent some texts to her step dad (CG). He responded but this time he was more supportive of her. She then asked me if she could meet him. I wasnt sure what to do.

He then got in touch with me and asked if he could give me some halloween bags for all the kids, saying he knew it wasnt much, but it was for their halloween. So I spoke to my daughter and agree to meet him with my girls (my son doesnt want to see him) but only at Mcdonalds and only for 30 minutes. It is a good visit. He acts well and the girls are pleased to see him but I do not make any other plans as I am trying to get strong again.

He then contacts me a few days later and tells me once again that he is sorry and that he is in recovery now. He also thanks me for letting him see the children. He tells me again he is attending an addictions group.

A few days later I find out that the day I let him see the children, is the night he goes and gets wrecked. What happened to the recovery? a relapse but now with the drink and not gambling. Or has he been drinking all along and just telling me lies. Only he knows the truth.

I get angry and I contact him by text to tell him I know he has been drunk. He doesnt deny it. wow thats a first in a long time. He admits it and says it was a mistake. He tells me why he done it and says he is really trying to stop doing it all, that he has lost everything and he doesnt want the bets, or the drink but to be “well” again. I dont know what to believe. What does it matter, well it does for his relationship with his kids. I said before, i think, that addiction is hard, now it feels confusing.

Confusing that you can take a bet, then stop, then start, then drink, then stop that for a few weeks, then drink….That you can have money in your hands and not spend it but then have all your wages and blow it in one go. that you are paranoid, lie, hurt, steal, make threats and turn into a monster and then flip to being caring, apologetic, looking ashamed, sad and my thoughts are “Is it still just a manipulative act?”. Now he has me paranoid and confused, with questions I can’t answer.

In my gut, I do think he has not placed a bet in the last 5 weeks and whilst that is good, it is only 5 weeks. He has told me that he is possibly looking to receive 13 thousand pounds compensation money for his car accident. I get angry and sad because that money could have changed our lives.and that will be a test of responsibility and temptation for him with all that money, where will it go? He said he will pay back the 8 thousand pounds to his work that he got for a car loan, so he will still keep his job and no charges will be pressed against him. When he last spoke about the car loan, he told me he owed 6 thousand. Have the lies already started or has he forgot he told me that? He said he owes his parents money, which he does and he said he will give me some money for the kids christmas. Will he though?

I wont rely on it, and velvet you were so right when you advised me not to rely on him for anything, even the emotional support as that was causing me more stress, just being let down by him. So why, when he is being nice again do I forget some of the bad stuff he has just done?

My wee girl also asked if she could see her dad, after meeting him at Mcdonalds, so I let her see him for one hour and I was with her. After all, he has been saying he has been unwell and my kids are my world so there is no way he would get to see her on his own .But seeing him makes it hard again.

Just when you think the tears stop, they start all over again.
It’s like he died, but then I have to see him again. That I never knew who he was for all those months, a monster, acting in a way that I never knew to now acting like the man I met. But is it really him cause we all know how clever addicts are.

I have to see him again with my daughter and if he is super nice and in recovery then seeing him is hard. Oh I hope I am making sense. It is easier when he is being horrible. That sounds mad . I just feel low.
I thought I would talk to you all as I know you understand. I choose not to support the cg when he stole from me again. I could’ve stood by him but I didnt. I wish I didn’t love him, I wish he wasn’t an addict. I don’t know if he will ever change, will he stop then start, then stop.what kind of life is that?not just for him but for all of us too.

Where has that strong, I deserve better jenny t went.and why even let him into my thoughts in this way.So hard, so confusing, so destructive and addiction is so wrong.

I need to remember to keep making it right.