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I don’t know where to begin really, I can’t quite believe I am writing this post…….i gambled.
I know a few weeks ago I wrote to P that I had some urges. I thought I would be ok, my exclusion finished in June…..the addiction started to whisper.
I knew for the last few weeks I would do it. Every time I made a plan something would happen to stop me. Fate maybe? It didn’t deter me. Last Saturday night I had a work thing on. I left at 8.30. I drove to the dinkiest dive where I knew I wouldn’t see anyone. I sat in the car park for a minute, looking in the windows to see if I recognised anyone. The coast looked clear. I went in. I got myself some coins and picked a machine, took a deep breath and put them in. I felt sick, that first push, I can’t describe the feeling, pure terror, guilt, disappointment in myself, It was like I had never stopped. I was off and gambling. I told myself I would leave in half an hour, in half an hour, in half an hour. 3 and a half hours later I walked out. Head pounding, my eyes almost fused shut, hungover from watching the spinning reels. I felt disgusting, the smell of the coins on my hands, the pit in my stomach. Financially no damage was done, emotionally it was wrecked. All that hard work, down the toilet. I wanted this, to ‘see’ how I would cope…..ugh. It took me 3 days to feel any kind of better. I have spoken to Harry, twice. I called the self exclusion program yesterday and am going to sign the deed next Wednesday. I haven’t told dames, or jode. I don’t know if I will if I’m to be honest. I’m still not in the best headspace. I have no intention of gambling again. It was a shot of reality, I am looking forward. Get my exclusion back in place, ensure I do not put myself in that position again before I sign the deed. That sick feeling, I haven’t felt that way for a long time . I’m not sure what set me off, sure I have some stress, I can’t put my finger on one particular thing.
Anyway, that’s about all I can say. I will not waste one more second of my life sitting in front of a machine. The last 4 days I have thought about how or even if I would write this post. I could have easily carried on pretending. Who does that benefit ? This is the only place I can be me, the good, the bad and the ugly. Without fear of judgement. Thanks for reading, love K xxx