Thank you vera, velvet and worried mama for your great comments.
I get strength in reading them and I totally admire your courage and support as a recovering gambler (I hope I dont offend you as I write this Vera as I dont mean to) who gives up your time to help someone like me. It is so helpful to get your advice, as you have lived through my ex husbands world, therefore, you have an understanding of the ‘game’, lies,manipulation and it is helpful for me to ask questions and you give your opinion which I value. It also helps me to understand the addiction more. Thank you.
Velvet, i would be more lost without your support and value of what my life and my kids life should be like and your genuine, caring, understanding of my situation.It helps to keep me strong when I feel so down.
I never ever think anyone on this site tells me how to recover and that is a blessing as I know friends would tell me what and what not to do.only because they care but its very hard knowing what is the ‘right’thing to do.
And when there are kids involved, it is so much harder.
So, how am I feeling let down? well I let him see my daughter for a short time last week and it was a good visit. He asked if he could take her swimming this weekend and I said I wasn’t sure, it would probably be ok but only with me there. I wont let her go with him alone.
He contacts me wednesday and I ask to meet him. I want to try and find out if he really is in recovery, is he going to let me and my kids down, is he being mr nice guy because christmas is coming up, or is he really wanting to change.
I dont even know if meeting him alone would be helpful but as our last one hour vist with our daughter was positive, I think maybe this is a way forward and I can also ask all those questions that I need him to answer. We can also talk about contact, whats good/whats not, xmas, and maybe make a plan. He also seems more interested in us but I am wary at the same time. Manipulation is powerful.
So, he phones me and I tell him I would like to meet with him.I do this on the tuesday so we can meet on the wednesday. He calls me on the wednesday and tells me that he cant meet as he is going to another meeting. He had been to a meeting Monday and Tuesday and now he was going to another. I am thinking, surely talking to me is more important than a meeting as he can go to these during the day, whilst he is still off work, as well as at night, but no, I am second best to the gambling again. He says he can phone me after the meeting but that would be late so I tell him No. It may be convenient for him, but its not for me.Plus my mind would be all over the place and I wouldnt get a good sleep.
He offers me no other time to meet. Why not? perhaps i am being harsh because he could well be doing as many meetings just now to recover but it still feels like it is all about him, Not me. Would you not be doing everything you could, if you had caused someone so much pain and hurt, to help that person understand, to listen as they asked questions, to make plans for seeing your daughter? If i hurt someone, i know i would do everything I could to make it up to them and say sorry and mean it. yet No, not for my ex cg, as he has to go to another meeting.
He then texts me telling me, “you are not alone.I am here to help you with anything.you just need to ask. if i can take our daughter swimming on Sunday, we can then have a coffee and talk then”. His terms of when we do things, eh I dont think so.
I cried so much after talking to him and my kids saw me upset again. what am I doing? I dont even know what to do about sunday . Its easier to be stronger when i dont see him but how does he see his daughter without me facilitating it? oh this is just a mess. I still love him but I cant allow myself to feel any more vulnerable than I already do. to be swayed by mr nice guy.Because I dont really know what he is up to.
So, i am feeling let down and still confused. I do think you are right vera about him showing his best side. all of a sudden, he wants to give me money for my daughter and now show an interest and i am not sure what thats about. Genuine or not? He also did get wrecked after contact with us and again, would you not be doing all these AA andGA meetings to help change that behaviour? He also isnt keen on me knowing things about him as he believes someone in his meeting is telling me things, I can assure you that they are not. I just find out things as the area we live in is not huge. So if he is still paranoid, surely that isnt good because if you werent doing anything, then you wouldnt have anything to hide?
I guess I need to remind myself of what and who’s important and I seem to be getting tangled up again in what’s better for my ex, instead of what is better for me. If I am not ready to see him with my daughter then I dont have to, after all, his behaviour caused him to have no contact and there needs to be more than “I have not had a bet or gambled for 5 weeks” for things to improve.
I know i am talking lots tonight and I know other people will probably have felt like me before so what are you meant to do? ignore him, meet him, dont meet him, ?
I even felt myself telling a complete stranger at the check out in morrisons that i was now a single parent because of my selfish husband ‘s gambling and I dont ever do that. I was shocked when she said, my husband attends GA too, he lost us our home but I am still with him. I couldnt believe it. Talk about telling someone your problems who has experience of what your going through. the difference though, she stayed. I didnt.
I need to get to the top of my mountain. im finding it difficult to move up because I am still allowing my ex to keep me down.
I hate his addiction . I really do. And im dreading xmas.
what a mess.