I felt so much better the other day; maybe because I didn’t spend hours lugging things or bending down a million times (or so it seems) to pick up yet another can.

Despite feeling better, it still staggers my mind that I am still faced with so many giant difficulties, despite not having done ANYTHING wrong, while CG and etc go on … having made profit at my expense and that of our children.

I have to question, too, whether the brother who bought the house has a gambling problem. Both he and a son are listed on the “lottery winners” page as having won $1,000 on scratch tickets. The brother’s income is 4x what I have available, yet he filed for straight bankruptcy about 18 – 19 months before the sheriff sale … yet managed to come up with $57k cash.

I overslept today and have to make the most of the light. Go find some cans and go haul stuff. Also have to try to find the owner’s slip to car so I can sell it Monday to the junkyard, cause there has to be enough money to pay insurance.

Last night I was getting some cans and a man drove up and gave me a bag of them (people often will give me the cans out of their vehicle if they see what I am doing). It sort of hurt, though, when he and I talked for a few minutes. I don’t give a “sob story” but basically, just “what it is” as briefly and clearly as possible. It hurt because then he asked for a hug and I told him I don’t hug strangers. Oh well … I have already thought about the dangers, from sticking my hand onto a discarded needle to picking up something like hepatitis … but what are the alternatives? There is no “help” other than general and I don’t qualify. Just have to get through this time and hope I make it out alive and in general good health, I guess.

Feels like I have been sentenced though to hard labor or worse … all for having been a parent (and therefore, the Court jurisdiction over me). Even blatant criminals do not have to go through such, though I am not saying some are not subjected to pretty terrible/worse that they don’t deserve, either.

I taught my children what to do if they need help. And I have tried to get through and past this on my own efforts; when I saw I could not outstrip the destruction, I asked for help, communicated with the Courts and etc. I have gotten a bit of help, here and there. It has been piecemeal and unfortunately, often “too little, too late”.

Last night, a woman saw and called to me; I thought she was “chasing me away” but she was trying to hand me some money. I told her I wasn’t looking (or asking) for money but she insisted I take it. It was enough that I can fill the tank partially.

I am still feeling quite exhausted, but going to get on with the business of the day. Maybe will feel a bit better again later … and at least I still can. I remember how I used to think maybe I can help someone else … at the moment and for a while though, I am wondering if I will make it through. I hope so … I miss life … being able to relax … being able to choose.