After commenting on enablement yesterday in the topic forum my words were put to the test tonight. Thank you for responding Tania I have read your threads and can see many things mirrored in my own life.!
My ex CG rang tonight to say he wouldn’t b seeing our daughter the weekend as planned he had no petrol and no money and 2 weeks until pay day. He has not done this for many weeks. His gambling had settled down he was doing as he should . he has been paying maintenace and extra and buying things for iur daughter for a good few weeks. But his gambling behaviour always follows the same pattern. Intense then slows. Anyway he said he wouldnt be seeing her and if there was a problem with our daughter to let him know. ! He had obviously just gambled any money he had and was looking for someone (me) to blame. I now recognise this and TRY not to get drawn in. It takes such strength of will power !!!
My reply was of the lines well your stuck in a cycle with ur gambling and if you want to change you know where we are. You have been gamble free before. This turned into a bit of a tirade from CG then. We both need to move on don’t contact him or his mom( I have remained on friendly terms with her he lives with her ) we are different he won’t b controlled . i think this is as a result of me letting slip almost last week that i loved him. We have been seperated for months. He has behaved badly and so i surprised myself too with the comment. He commented that his gambling had been worse this week. He had previously not mentioned gambling once since our split. He also said he wanted to pay the balance on a holiday that had been booked before we split and had been gambling to get the money together ( another familiar story)He is using both things as an excuse to gamble more. He threw in could I lend him £5 for (beer) cans!!!! . he hasn’t asked me for money at all in the period we seperated! He appears to be at a bit of a low but with only two weeks to pay day he will see hope (money) on the horizon I said no! His mother would usually always oblige in these situations so he had either had nmoney from her gambled it and didnt want to ask for more. Or She has said no ( just for tonight though) as she is fed up ( just for tonight) she has enabled him for many years.
I suspect he will not contact me about our daughter and then try to blame me because I wouldn’t lend him £5 .( a new game maybe. Not one usually played by my cg? )now he would have to drive 15 Miles with no petrol for 5 Pounds.? I think we all know it would have ended up being more!! In the past I have enabled but had also stopped this behaviour for months before we split again.
Anyhow the point of my writing all this is so I don’t get angry pick up the phone and respond as he intends I’m sure because then I can be manipulated! Am I slowly starting to get this after 10 years!! I was initially upset by it all but that has passed quite quickly. I don’t feel devasted that he is threatening not to see her as I did a few months ago. I can generally distract her . I can find things to do the weekend and it will soon be the start of the week when she is busy at nursery!! What sort of frame of mind is he in anyway. Not one to indulge and show unconditional love and fun to a 4 Year old!!!
I am hoping I will continue to feel positive that I have done the right thing. It is really a minefield . I am starting to see that it is only going to be me removing myself from the situation that will improve things for me and my daughter. He stormed off the end of Feb and wouldn’t see our daughter for weeks. We are now mid June. Same behaviour different month.
My CG is truly stuck in a cycle as I have witnessed and I have played a part in theses behaviours in previous splits. I’m now trying to limit my part!!
Anyhow bit of a lengthy post. I want to be able to read this again and see how ridiculous and selfish his addictive behaviour is.
Thanks if you have read. I am making bigger strides to letting go I hope!