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After my lost post I have been a mix of emotions as I know I have enabled and need to stop going over it. I have done it. Its gone and I want to develop firmer boundaries for myself so I am less receptive in future.

After my CG last rant I assumed I wouldn’t hear from in. This turned out not to be the case.I decided I would pay the balance left on the family holiday . I had the following conversations in my head:

_ I would take may daughter away in August (its a caravan) irrespective of what CG was was a shame to waste it
_ I can show CG I can do things without him ( I do this anyway!!)

But also

I should let the deadline for payment and reminders telephone calls pass. I need to book something different. It would be better for me. Its giving the wrong message to CG.

Well I paid the balance. !!

To my surprise CG was in touch to see our daughter that weekend. Also to my surprise he mentioned holiday. I didn’t tell him I had already paid it . I was surprised by the conversation. He asked if I could pay the balance and he would pay me back in 2 installments when he got paid. Its a couple of hundred pounds left. He had paid some of the balance previously. I agreed!!!

To put this in context when we have been seperated previously we have gone on family holidays and remained separate. I have also replaced CG with friends on holidays when his gambling appears more frenzied and I believe he will let us down.

Now just because he says he will pay I know this doesn’t mean it will happen or he might have no money to go. I will go anyway. But I have been dishonest and made it easy for him. I know he was using the holiday as an excuse to gamble. I am giving the message this is acceptable. I am also saying he can do as he wishes and its OK with me!!

I feel uncomfortable and disappointed in myself. I have not changed anything!!

I am clear on my boundaries for enablement when its direct. This is clever. Now I think he wants to pay for the holiday. He does like to buy things and treat our daughter. But cannot keep it up indefinitely because of his addiction. I know this . He has paid maintenance too over the months we have seperated. But he is a complete mix of messages (as it appears i am)But I have enabled.

I don’t really know how to deal with situation. In my fantasy we go on a happy family holiday reality I have enabled.

This has been going around in my head for a week. I felt too ashamed at first to admit what i have done (is this how cg feel all the time?)I have distracted myself because I have been very busy at work but am hoping posting will help me work through it.
Thanks in anticipation of any comments!!