I have read this post a few times twilight and found it really annoyed me- I wanted to write a good put down!! It has played on mind and catapulted me back to my own childhood.
It annoyed me because it filled me with shame at my own failings.
I grew up with a CG mum. I went to secondary school with trainers that were two sizes too big and I felt really stupid wearing them as I looked down on my big long feet. My shoes were white summer ones dyed black but which the white peeked through on.
My tracksuit was a horrible old one belonging to my older sister. My skirt was a “woman’s” skirt which had been really cheap- I longed for a normal school skirt, in the correct shade of grey, with little pleats.
I never really had new clothes but my little sister always seemed to have lovely things ( bought in bulk after a win no doubt)
Yet suddenly out of the blue my dad decided I deserved extra pocket money .. Like a lot extra. I started to buy my own clothes and always had nice things to wear. The shame of the trainers etc kinda left me . He always said don’t tell ur mum. I thought she would tell him off for spoiling me . I thought he was a dad who saw nothing .
I can’t believe the same scenario is playing out now in my marriage ..it’s maybe not so bad as i earn a good salary but this addiction has stolen so much happiness for us . Every pay day I try to buy stuff for my son. This week he will be getting some new hoodies and a summer coat.i have learned that the money might not be there later in the month.. I don’t trust myself to still have money later in the month..by hook or by crook I try to keep up with his extra curricular activities.
Sometimes this has meant filling the car and heading off to a car boot sale hours before the rest of the world has awakened! All this extra stress when I throw money away to casinos.
But the stress I live with surely impacts on him. The self inflicted stress… And yet I still gamble ..
I so want to stop ..sometimes my posts on here are angry , resentful etc.
thank you for sharing . I feel so guilty all the time I forget that I am also a victim of this disease . I am wondering if it would’ve helpful for me to revisit my childhood, the rages, etc on the f and f forum?
I still can’t visit home without dragged to a casino . In all honesty dragged is the wrong word.. Once it is mentioned I can’t wait to go.
So twilight . Thank u for sharing ! Thank u for taking the time to post on this forum . It has brought back memories and just maybe addressing some of these things will help me to stop repeating the same mistakes..