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Today is day 1 again. I lapsed yesterday. Lost £280 in 1.5 hours. One of the computers in my office wasn’t blocked properly. It was a test. And I failed. I am off to my parents now in Stoke to speak with them. My wife has had enough. I am now submitting to the disease. I am powerless. I am an addict. It is not possible to win at gambling. I was up but got greedy. It wasn’t enough. So I deposited more. Was up – got greedy – lost that.

Then I left the office. Oddly euphoric. I know I knew I was a compulsive gambler but I don’t want any more reminders. I have been asking my friends if they gamble and none of them do. Why do I? Why, when I saw the computer was not blocked, did I gamble? What did I think I would achieve. 2,3,400? 1,000? Insanity. Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

On a positive note I have been given a date for Gordon Moody House. My 2 week assessment period starts on May 11. So now I have a deadline in which to start putting my affairs in order and making preparations. I am a broken mad – spiritually, emotionally, financially. I have a lot of work to do.

I have a new sponsor in GA who is a CG but also a counsellor. He has been offering me support, which is wonderful. Everyone at GA has been wonderful.

I want recovery. I need recovery. I desire recovery. And 1 day at a time I will work towards it, to finding out who I really am. I am not a degenerate, addicted gambler, drug addict etc. I am actually a nice person who just happens to have low self esteem and self confidence issues.

I have also gone 24 hours without physically punishing myself. NO more hitting episodes.

I am going to start a new blog this weekend, detailing, for my own benefit, my gambling history. It will be long, probably a novella, but it is for my benefit. If anyone else wishes to read it, be my guest.

I am wishing everyone a wonderful Easter.