Reading your post was like reading about myself. I feel like I need validation despite knowing that I have done the right thing for myself, our children and my husband by separating from him.
I separated from my husband 3 months ago in the hope that he would admit and realise the impact that his gambling has had. I never thought I would leave and still can’t believe I did. The day I left I had never seen him so angry and it scared me, perhaps that was what prompted me to separate (and him clearing out half his pay when he promised the day before he would not touch it). His mood swings were becoming worse and despite him admitting he has a ‘sporadic’ gambling problem and seeing a gambling counsellor in my heart I knew it was/is more than a sporadic problem.
Sadly he still does not admit he has an addiction and he won’t admit that he is entirely responsible for my leaving. His behaviour and way he speaks to me (text messages and emails)is horrible, you would think I did something wrong, he blames me and is extremely defensive. The hardest thing for me to deal with is the seemingly moments of clarity where he is apologetic . I know that if he was truly apologetic and wanted to be back with me that he would not continue to send me cruel text messages and emails that he continues to do after his apologetic ones. I know he must admit that he has a gambling addiction before I could ever contemplate a future for us and importantly he must demonstrate to me he wants me back by his behaviour not by his apologetic words in his moments of self pity. It is so frustrating for me because I love him SO much and I can’t do anymore than what I have done.
I know I must be strong but it is so so so hard. I am trying to take one day at a time. It is nice to know that I am not the only person feeling like I do and hopefully hearing how I feel may help you know you are not alone.