Yes – I am still here and sorry to hear about your pain.
It took me many years from making the decision to stop – to actually staying stopped. I had relapse after relapse, so I can empathise with where you are at.
You have had lots of advice here already. Scroll back up and read it and think about how much you have taken on. If not – why not? The advice is given by people who have been where you are now – and are now at, (or aiming to be at) the place you want to be in … gamble free. Not all the things advised will work for you, but you have nothing to lose by giving them a shot. Take Gamblers’ Anonymous as an example. You said you were concerned that you might be embarrassed if someone recognised you. Is being embarrassed more of a problem than you have now? Or counselling – you don’t feel there is any underlying problem causing you to gamble. Part of the counselling process is to find out what IS underlying – if you could see it, things would be much easier for you …
I took a decision to put as much effort and time into my recovery as I did into my gambling – and that was a LOT. I became identified as a recovering person, not just recovering FROM gambling, but recovering my life. Now I see myself as a NON-gambler, it simply isn’t part of my new life anymore – and I am a lot happier with a lot less stress. I have a simple lifestyle and just enjoy what life brings even in these difficult times. I hope that you can join me.