First I must apologize that I have not been supportive of others on this site lately. I have been reading though, and I see many of you – like me – struggling, and I am so sorry for that. I simply haven’t had the heart (or the time) to post. I’m going to get back in gear soon I’m sure. I am thinking of you all, and wishing the best for each of you as you persevere.
My sister has gone home …
My sister left late Saturday afternoon to go home after being here with me for over 2 weeks. We both cried because we have so enjoyed being together during this bittersweet time, and because we know so many of our parents’ possessions and our family home for the last 40 years are about to be sold to complete strangers. I cried too because when she went home, I was once again left alone with my painful secret – and the weight of it crashed in on me Saturday night. I laid in bed most of Sunday; exhausted from the physical labor of the last few weeks, and emotionally raw.
Another setback …
I found out Wednesday that my husband had gambled again: He went to the casino with $600 withdrawn from his account for the supposed purpose of paying on two of his gambling debts. The scenario played out the same as always with all the same nonsense that I have determined I will no longer tolerate: First I got the text notification from his bank that $600 had been withdrawn. I texted him “…What for…?” He texted back “… to pay Advancial and Pay Pal …” Then he didn’t make his usual phone call to me that evening. Then he wouldn’t respond to my text … Same old same old … blah blah blah!
Wednesday, 7/10/13 at 10:30pm – Me: “Well … you know what I’m thinking … are you where I think you are? Or have you been?” An hour later I haven’t heard back from him.
So at 11:30pm – Me again: “OK I won’t play this game with you anymore. Either text me now or don’t contact me at all until you get your shit together and I’ll just go on with my own thing again. “
Him (immediately): “OK I screwed up again”
Me: “How much?”
Him: “$600”
Me: “So you didn’t pay your Advancial or Paypal?”
Him: “ No”
Me: “I don’t know what to say right now … Get some help D … before you lose everything.”
Him: “Hopefully Derek [the counselor] will call and I can get an appointment”
Me: “OK, well I think I’m done for awhile – I have too much going on right now and I’m going to try very hard not to let this shut me down .. I hope you get things worked out soon.”
Him: “I’m sorry.”
Me: “Stop being sorry and pitiful and just decide once and for all if you want to gamble or be married to me. I want to go on with my life one way or the other.”
Him: “I will.”
On Friday, (7/12) I sent him this email – which he has not responded to …
“ I don’t want you to think I have given up. I am, of course, so very disappointed that you went to the casino Wednesday night – but part of me knew when you took that $600 out and told me it was to pay your Advancial and Pay Pal accounts, it would never be used to pay on your gambling debts. But I did have hope that just maybe you would make the right decision.
It was a big step backwards from what I have been trying hard to believe has been a lot of forward motion – i.e. you not going to the casino, and leaving the money alone in your USAA account to have for paying your gambling debts. I would have been more hopeful if you had managed to make arrangements with the counselor sooner (I know you could have put more effort into that so don’t make excuses ok?), but those things were enough to keep me somewhat at peace.
But now, you have given a big chunk of your money back to the casino that you needed to pay your debts – and on top of that you have removed my number and email address from your USAA account. These are just more steps backwards and confirming to me that, despite my optimism (or naivety), you are continuing to choose your addiction over your life with me.
Now I am left wondering if you ever intended to pay Advancial and Pay Pal, or if you had been thinking about it and planning all day to pull the money out and go to the casino.
My resolve stands D: As long as we are together and married – I will not provide money to pay your debts until you are actively getting help and have stopped gambling. You will have to deal with the creditors hounding you, and whatever else comes with that. “
I haven’t texted or heard from him since Wednesday night.
I don’t know what happened with him: He’s been managing his gambling fairly well (small amounts on his phone), he’s left the money in his account alone and he’s seemed to have been a little more open and honest with me these last few weeks. He came home Wednesday night and worked hard with us all weekend. He seemed so positive that things were getting straightened out here, and that HE was going to get straightened out (I think you misunderstood that in my last post V). I am just flabbergasted that 2 days later he falls right back into sneaking around, lying, secrets, ignoring me, blah blah blah! I see by his emails that since Wednesday, his online gambling and porn site surfing has escalated – which I have come to expect by now.
AHHHHHH!!!! How much longer can I do this?!?! I regard my commitment to this marriage as a sacred vow – but I am surely being tested ….
Dear Heavenly Father,
I pray for the serenity to know and truly accept in my mind and heart that I alone can never rid my beloved of the horrid, soul wrenching obsession to gamble, and I pray you grant him the same clarity.
Lord, please give me the strength and courage I need to continue finding ways to cope with the painful wreckage of his addiction, and to love and support him without losing my own heart and soul to this wretched beast.
And finally, should the time come that all is done that can be done, and I have exhausted every avenue and made every effort to save my marriage and to help my husband save himself … I beg your forgiveness … but please, oh please Lord, grant me the wisdom and your blessed assurance to know it is so and release my heart from this burden.
Amen