Velvet – you are so right –the weekend scenario did not happen at all as I thought.
He didn’t come home.
He texted me late Friday night:
(HIM 8:30 pm) “Ok leaving location going back to yard. Will be on my way home around 10. Will have to go back Sunday afternoon.”
(ME 8:58pm) “Seems awfully late to be heading this way.”
(HIM 9:11pm) “I am awfully tired, but don’t want you thinking that instead of going home I’m going somewhere else.”
(HIM AGAIN 9:23pm) “Oh yes the best reason is I miss you.”
(ME 9:58pm) “I don’t really think about where you are all the time anymore – and that helps me. Sadly, I know you are going to be wherever your addiction wants you to be.”
Apparently just as I texted this to him, he was having trouble trying to get gas with his Bluebird card and he texted me at the same time asking me to check the settings on the account, etc., so I don’t know if he saw or read my last text. I changed the permissions on his card and he was able to put gas in his personal vehicle. Then he texted:
(HIM 10:20pm) “Ok thanks. See you in a few hours.”
(ME) “I don’t think you should come in tonight.”
(HIM) “I think I can make it.”
(ME) “Stay there and get rest.”
(HIM) “Ok, I’ll try to be there around noon or 1”
The next morning …
(HIM 9:44 am) “Well, I’m still here. They had a small equipment fire in one of the blenders that is in my crew. Nobody hurt, but the finger pointing has started as to who is at fault. I am supporting my service supervisor”
(HIM AGAIN 9:59 am) “They are saying he is not watching making sure his hands are doing their jobs. So unless you need me at home for something I am going to stay and hopefully get some rest. I have pulled several 24 hour days in the last few weeks. I have very little money, so I’m not staying to go to any casinos. I do have vacation scheduled for the first week in September. Let me know if you need me to come home and I will come on in. Love you.”
(ME 10:46 am) “I am fine here. Like I said before, I can’t afford to worry about where you are all the time anymore. I have accepted the truth and the truth is that your addiction is in control of your life and your decisions.
I don’t want a relationship with an addiction so it is just as well you aren’t coming home – because I don’t know how to act around you.
I am told you won’t really hear half of what I just said, or your addiction will distort the meaning, but I needed to say it anyway.
Please take care of yourself.
I love you … the real you.”
There is a part of me (my ego) that wants to believe he really wanted to come home to me Friday night, but I didn’t want him to – so I pushed him away with my harsh words. … Did I do that???
But then I think the truth, which is so hard to see clearly sometimes, is that I wanted him here – but knew (in my heart) from his very first text he wasn’t coming home.
Maybe I am slumping back in the passenger seat, avoiding his addiction by not seeing or talking to him. It has been 4 weeks today and I think the silence has served its purpose – at least for me.
I think what you say is true Jenny – right or wrong, the choices I’ve made were right for me at the time. And V, I realize it is also true that I can’t undo what I know; that l have forever changed and will never unwittingly be taken down by this addiction.
So … I have been sitting here twisting my hair and staring at the words “You are ready for this Adele. You are as ready as any of us would ever be at the stage you are at.” I have no idea if this is true or not V, but I do think it is time to try something different – right or wrong.
I know my husband has put in for vacation the first week of September because our 25th wedding anniversary is the 3rd. This is not where I want us to be on our Silver Anniversary. Rather suddenly I have decided (or maybe I am having a weak moment – who cares?) that I still love this man very much and I want us to find some way to celebrate the milestone and the many good years we’ve had together. I need a little kindle for that fire …
I will need to work it out in my head, but I think I may be “spontaneous” and call him to test the waters. He certainly won’t be expecting this …
Thank you all for listening once again.
Hopeful as ever,