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#24286
trinitysky
Participant

I started packing today, it was hard but I got through it. I’ve been putting it off just hoping that things would change. The “he” would change his mind. I can’t wait any longer. I get paid in two days and that was the agreement.
I’m done sitting around feeling sorry for myself and feeling so pathetic. I’m done feeling like a I have to beg someone to love me. This is not me or the kind of person I want to be.
In a way I think you were all correct. I have sort of lost myself in this relationship. Not completely but I always had the mindset that this was about us, not me. That, when we moved in together and made that commitment we joined our lives into one. This will not change, I have always believed this but I realize now that he wasn’t thinking the same way or if he was he never knew how to show it. I can’t believe after everything that has happened that he is choosing to run. Abandon ship so to speak because there is a storm brewing. This is the time he should be holding me closer, helping me through this tough time. I know that it’s natural for him to have doubts and concerns but if he truly loved me that love would be stronger than all of those things. I still love him very much, still pray every day that we come out of this mess together and closer than ever but I can’t sit around and wait on that dream forever. I have to focus right now on my legal issues. On repairing that aspect of my life. I had hoped he’d be there to help me through all of that but it’s time to put on the big girl pants and handle it on my own. I’ve been attending my meetings, working (even if it is only part time right now) and I haven’t gambled at all, not even a lottery ticket.
I’m supposed to move in two days and I have no place to go, no idea what to do and I keep falling back on the friend from work that offered me a room. I can’t go to my moms. I was just there yesterday trying to visualize moving back there, where I would sleep and how it would work… truth is it wont work. There are six people living in that three bedroom house. Granted three of them are very young children but I can’t go back to that. I can’t live like that, it will for sure push me back into a bad direction. I’ve tried several of my friends and they don’t have room either. So again, I’m back to the coworker. I know things could go wrong but right now it seems to be the only choice I have. We have a lot in common and have agreed that we will keep it just a friendship. I told him the whole situation and he just seems like he genuinely understands what I’m dealing with and wants to help. Might only be a temporary fix anyways. He lives out of state, if I get put on probation for this mess I wont be able to live out of the state I got into trouble in. But at least for now I’d have a roof over my head and not have to stress so much.
I’ll keep ya’ll posted