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Dear diary,
As Singapore air pollution reached “hazardous” levels due to suffocating smoke from agricultural fires raging on nearby Indonesian island today.
I woke up in the evening with a happy problem. I was feeling grateful with the peace I have at home, at work and my financial health now. I did not forget to thank God for today and everything yet I find myself feeling bored after my meal.
I left home, other than going out for the high from a massage, I don’t know what else I would like to do. While traveling, I am very conscious of my thoughts and feelings. I could deny myself the massage, I can deny my desire. I have good reasons, the money I am going to spend for massage, can actually cover 2 weeks of living expenses if I am thrifty in my spending.
But I wish and wanted to feed my flesh tonight, I wanted to get a “high” feeling. I justify that I have behave myself for the last few months. I have paid my bills and service my loans promptly, I would like to waste some money pampering myself. I am human,it is normal to be selfish and self-centered.
“I” would like to drink alcohol or play the slot machine tonight ; kill the boredom and time, something I always do in the past, at this late hours, only the drinking holes is still operating. I had to say no to my heart desires because I am very aware and was afraid to lose my mind totally using alcohol. The barrier set up in the past was working, my self- exclusion sign up has inconvenient me and stop me from using the slot machines at the clubhouse.
My excuse was convincing, since I cannot go gambling or take alcohol, I should let myself loose in other areas such as a massage which can be very costly with my small earning. I was wary, I was checking myself. If I go ahead with this time, I may do it again and again. That is the tricky part. I would not know how to say “no” to my desires in the future.
Anyway I was already in the middle of acting out. I reach the massage shop, it was 9.30pm. I walk in, my intention was clear. Inside the shop, to my surprise , there was no one except one staff who was lying there sound sleep on the couch. I didn’t have the heart to wake her up, I walk away and out of the place. This event allow me to change my mind and flee from the place, I tell myself I am not going ahead with the plan.
I could have woke her up, I could have went to another massage shop but I did not instead I took a bus ride to nowhere, walk and look see for more than 2 hours. I ended up at home safe at 1 am and update this journal.
I was practicing self-will, I still have a lot to work on when it comes to turning over my will to the care of God. I was able to stay clean today by the grace of God, I am sure the Holy Spirit have led me to do one thing when I want to do another thing tonight.

Thank you God

I should not be dissatisfied and discontented at what I don’t have, I should be grateful and happy with what I have ~ I have forgotten all that