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I was awake most of last night with severe tummy cramps – I thought this must be appendicitis or something serious because I had no other symptoms and it was a severe pain I never remember having before.
Today I am a lot better but something feels sore.
I went back to bed this afternoon- I was exhausted. My husband came home from work and the criticising started as soon as he walked in.

I don’t want to be part of this anymore. All I could think last night was that I have waited too long to have a nice life where I am master of my own destiny. If I had to go to hospital I don’t fancy my chances at the moment. If I get this virus will I recover? Has my life been just about battling to survive rather than living?

I need to make some huge decisions -I don’t know if I’m ready for them, and I’m not sure of how I will manage alone. I want to want to go downstairs at the weekend instead of watching Netflix in my room. I want to potter around my garden and not have my work criticised. I want to buy a lamp or vase and have it admired instead of criticised. I want to decorate a room and not be met with a litany of how I am doing it wrong. I want to do things without stopping to think of the complaints I will receive. I want to return to my love of DIY. I want to wake up and know I can do whatever I like because there is none to criticise.!

I want to feel appreciated just a little … but at the moment there is nothing to appreciate as I have checked out!

I feel my acceptance changing to resentment.
Maybe at times this is a positive emotion as it might drive some change !
I don’t want to be on my deathbed having these regrets…