I was reading a couple of threads last night … Berber’s and Jamesn’s. I can remember back to what seems a lifetime ago, when I discovered the gambling problem after he had filed for divorce and taken up with the nurse. I remember how I had gone to a therapist, who thought I was “nuts” to even consider sticking with a guy who was having affair (with his nurse, to boot). He told me 90% of women wouldn’t even consider it. At the time, I had thought maybe he was bipolar or maybe all that I was learning was related to his nearly fatal heart attack. I remember how happy I actually was, when I learned of the affair … because finally I had confirmation that I WASN’T CRAZY. I was merely responding (I’d been struggling with feeling depressed) to the lies and other games and things going on … the rages and weak but potent blame heaped on me for ALL of his “problems”.

Reading the threads of others brought back memories of how I had told him that “maybe this is why I had to go through all of what I had” back at the time he had first filed for divorce … I didn’t know, at the time, that I had been victimized intentionally and maliciously in order to make me look bad, to hell with the consequences to me … as long as he retained control over “his” money (meaning mine, too) and me, if possible. When he told me, back then, that he wanted to “cancel” the divorce and never wanted it … I believed him. I didn’t realize the “property settlement” his attorney had sent over, that awarded him all and me nothing, would NEVER have stood up in a competent Court. I remembered how I told him, though, that if he and I were “right” with God and each other, there was no problem that I couldn’t get through … didn’t mean it would be easy … just that it would happen.

Sometimes I feel sad … when I had to go to the women’s shelter years ago, I was one of the few women without her children. They had been snatched from me and custody given to him … his mother and he telling authorities I was “mental” and a drug addict … I was in out-patient counseling and had been taking medications prescribed by the doctor. He didn’t like it when I became assertive again and quit easily “giving in” to his “requests” and “desires”. I was the “odd one out” in the women’s shelter and it made me feel there must be something horribly wrong with me that I didn’t have my children … especially when I compared myself with others there (which I couldn’t help). I guess in a way it makes me feel the same, to know that my support and encouragement was “not enough”. I know that isn’t true … I don’t know yet if others are struggling with similar … being (seemingly) punished while CG goes on their merry way, continuing on and profiting at their spouse’s expense, despite the so-called “oversight” of attorney and Courts of law.

I sort of wanted to write a note of encouragement, but I thought better of it for the moment, as I am so angry and hurt that I would not be able to write something that would be “proper”; same reason I am not trying to work in nursing … concentration and all else are overshadowed by the chaos, drama and destruction and I don’t trust myself to be responsible for someone else’s life and health when my judgment and objectivity have been turned upside down.

Was hoping to get here for chat, but I went looking for cans so I’ll have enough money to get the bills due/coming due taken care of.

I was along the ramp of the freeway and a man called out to me; he had a couple cans in his hand so I went over to take them. He also handed me a $5 bill and a prayer card with Jesus on the front, a Catholic one (although I am not Catholic, I’ve had friends and recognize the pictures). I was reading the prayer on back, which ends …

“Let every angry word said to me or against me be returned with words of love and mercy not anger or revenge. Let every desire I have be for You. Let my will conform to Yours. Touch every cell of my body, Lord, and make me the person, the servant, You want me to be. Amen.”

I will admit I am not there … I have trouble when pain and need are wracking me, being exhausted and knowing that I have been unjustly treated … that my daughters are and have been … and that maybe they don’t see me as “failure” but they can’t see me as someone to emulate. It makes me think of Jesus’ suffering … i cannot say that mine “compares” just that I can’t help thinking … because it comes to my mind, that he GOT TO die … the suffering was for several days. And I cannot know what His experience here was (like) but as God, His knowledge far exceeds mine … it is one thing to believe something … it is so much harder to “have faith” when all seems dark ahead and no end in sight. Especially when I look around and see others who are of similar belief, whatever denomination, and their lives seem so placid in comparison. Or plentiful … that is hard. Used to think maybe I could help others once I “got through” this; now I sometimes wonder if I WILL survive it. I guess I will have to find out.

To those who are still with their CG partner, I just hope and pray for you the strength, patience and all else you need to keep going. I know what statistics say but I don’t know how much research, especially useful and accurate, is really done. So if you are with them … I hope that someone perks you up or reminds you. Either way is hard, that is the one thing I know. I knew divorce the first time had been hard (though NOTHING like this, which I think is punishment for my not giving in to demands plus destruction BECAUSE I did fine without him, once I got my bearings and the PTSD was identified), but I KNEW that things got better … and as far as the marriage went, I didn’t know if the whole time had been a “con” but it seemed like there had been a time when WE had been happy together and I thought he loved me and our daughters. I forget exactly who was describing the addiction (Nora?) and how it is separate from the person, but I sort of know how that makes sense. One thing I learned during the first divorce was how much I had changed … and yet had not. I mean I had changed as over the years I gave in to little requests and such that seemed “no big deal” at the time. There was some sort of struggle in me during the time I was thrown out that time and it certainly did seem a foreign part was there; it was tempting to give in and seemed to have advantages … but I recognize NOW that part of what I was going through was somewhat a spiritual crisis and integrity crisis.

Anyway, this is sort of rambly so am going to end for now. But if anyone bears reading my lengthy “catch ups” I wish all of you well and better, your partners and loved ones also. Hoping that more things simmer down so I can come on here when the chat is occurring. Anyway, once it snows it is pretty hard to find cans! So hopefully get caught up and at least maintain, get some rest and continue on … I know resentments and such are in the 12 steps … a lot of that I do use, though not as formally and I’m not sure I agree 100%. But I DO know that bitterness and resentment doesn’t help me or hurt them; I’m not interested in revenge, just wanted to leave somewhat fairly … and it hurts to know they are profiting but likely will still squander what I worked for and could sure use … and just say, like the man in the Bible, “I believe, help my unbelief!”