I was reading some more threads here and read also the F & F cycle; I suppose I should have known “something” was going on and actually did, but at the time I figured out “something” was wrong (I had picked up the book, “The Verbally Abusive Relationship” and was identifying that as “my” experience), I was making plans to leave if necessary but did not (really) know where the problem was originating from. I used to work in a store, when the California Lottery started. I sold a LOT of tickets and maybe that is where I got the idea that gambling is pretty boring and a waste of money. When you sell people a hundred tickets and they only get a few wins, over and over, it doesn’t seem very attractive, or entertaining. I don’t think I have EVER bought a scratch ticket and probably about $10 or $15 dollars worth of Lotto drawing tickets over the last 30 years. I popped a set number of nickels and dimes into machines the two or three times I’ve ever been to Las Vegas. The first time I went was with my roommate, to “check it out”. The other times with my husband; to get married the first time and the second, I met up with him after he went to visit some high school friends.

Recently, it’s hit me that we likely would still be married if I had just gone out and had affair and “minded my own business” and let him do his thing.

When I look back at the fact that I had a breakdown after three months of terrorization (mostly by CG and his brother, also helped by his mother), it blows me away. On one hand, not so much, as I had been going to therapy. It had helped to the point where I had become more assertive and recognized that “I” couldn’t be the one making all accommodations, being understanding and so forth (there were health issues with CG ex and his father, so I was always requested to be exercising “restraint”). That did not work out, as apparently my new assertiveness (and the fact that I had tried to leave, once before, after a major fight over “nothing”) was seen as “threat” and steps were taken to not only make me seem a lunatic, but a criminal or potential criminal.

Anyway, back when I was selling all those tickets in California, I never heard a word about gambling addiction … and even looking, there is still very little being talked about. Yet I can find enough in the news about the destruction and damage visited upon those that don’t share the addiction.

There is now a tribal casino that is going to be opened here soon. There are some objections, but the main things I hear about are “community benefits” and “jobs”. I even contacted someone who is opposed to the casino and detailed some of my struggles, past and current. He had a former CG speak at one of their meetings, but didn’t seem too interested in what I have gone through or the struggles I have (still) no idea how to move past and overcome.

I guess THAT remains one of my biggest frustrations. When I stood up and said, “I’ll stick with you, if you face this,” he made his decision. I could live with that. What I can’t “live with” is the FACT that it has been SO EASY for him to get past court orders, etc and I am left with the struggles, the possibility of losing car and so on … the GOVERNMENT being the enabler.

I can’t find any stories in the news about the problems faced by the family members …and NOBODY is even bringing up the subject, in terms of this new casino opening up.

More and more, I come to feel like I don’t exist, as I can be so easily brushed aside and (even) told “it’s your (my) problem”. I think of all the sacrifices I have made, without even realizing that much of the financial losses were due to gambling, NOT as I thought, the idiotic court battles. I think of month after month of busting my butt JUST to get through the month, and that just barely and the anger threatens to take hold.

I remember reading that casinos could NEVER turn a profit, if they ONLY had non-CG customers … and fact is that our government runs gambling, and also “runs over” family members, leaving them to “bleed and die”, quite often, alone and without even the comfort of a caring person to hold their hand.

I don’t reach out to others much, not much positive to report, most every day being just an exercise in “endurance”.

It blows my mind … if an accident on a roller coaster (whatever) happens, it makes the news. But have something outrageous and TOTALLY PREVENTABLE (the damages) happen for some 20 years, now, nobody wants to hear about it, look into it and God forbid it should receive any attention. I’M the one with “the problem”? NO. I know better, now. Too bad it doesn’t matter …