I really hope that this time I will succeed in getting me out there, having only just realised how to do a reply I am now struggling with how to start a new thread.
Since the last time I posted, the one when I was never going back !! I did go back and back again and each time it was a little worse than the time before. Each time there was a little bit less there than the time before. Each time I questioned myself again and again.
I love him, I kidded myself, I fooled myself, into thinking that I was just numb with the pain of all the things that happened which were related to the addiction but yes I still loved him.
I was determined to cross the void that grew ever wider between us. I believed that it would be possible and that when that numbness went away then that would be the day that the void would be crossed.
I really couldn’t stand him to be with me physically in any way shape or form the whole idea just repulsed me. Harsh, but that is the only way I can describe how it was.
I can’t say I blamed myself but I had the beginning of a need to try and understand that why when he was recovering could I not begin to trust and meet him across that void at least part way to the middle.
Small niggley things were in my mind, small things but increasingly more small things were beginning to add up to bigger things and deep down I knew there was no recovery just better lies and better cover ups. The addiction was back just wearing different clothes – it was wearing the cloak of recovery.
There were so many things that were going on at the same time in my life and I bumbled around being everything to everyone until I was just so worn out, something had to go. Flitting in between limbo land and having a strong sense that things were not good for me within our relaitionship gave me a feeling of total confusion. Things were not actually good except for short moments very much of the time. I struggled to accept that I could not have what I wanted within that relaitionship.
Slowly I started to do things which I had to force myself to do and often still do ( I am talking over years now not weeks) through boredom, through bloody mindedness and through the need to recognise some sort of order and normality in what felt like a mush of the strangest circumstances ever.
Time goes on, more mayhem came with it, everything seemed like lunacy and all the time something deep within in me was screaming – you can stop all of this today if you like.
I didn’t listen but I heard that voice getting louder and louder and still I didn’t act, but by that time my foot was in the water and the water felt good. My head was still in a bucket of something more smelly.
I had turmoils with my boys and went through a particularly bad stage of failing or feeling like I had failed them, That hurt. On that realisation and not really knowing what to do with all the stuff in my head. I stood still, I sat still and couldn’t for a while physically cope although my mind was working over time.
Day by day and month to month I just stopped, taking the bait, answering the needy phone calls and irritating texts, jumping on the majority of hooks. I stopped coming here, I stopped doing everything I really didn’t have to do. I didn’t drink or smoke, I didn’t go out – I did nothing except think.
Somewhere in all of that ‘ brakes on I can no longer do this anymore thought process’ came a calmness and a realisation that I didn’t want to do the ‘this ‘ any more which was why I was no longer doing it.
I have fought a few battles in my time and have been ‘battle weary’ The biggest battle I have ever fought is the one I fought with myself. The one I let happen between my head and my gut was the biggest, my heart was stuck in the middle and I pulled it around all over the place.
Somewhere in all of that a change took place and I realised a few things. I was not a numb person devoid of feelings I just no longer loved my partner, complicated but sounds simple. Or is that the other way around.
In the middle of all of this I worked on a few goals, small things that have made massive differences. I rehashed my finances, I finished my degree, I trained in end of life care and completed my registered care managers award in the space of about 2 years. I went flat out at work purely as a distraction but I was able to retain the enjoyment of my achievements although I resented doing the work and it was a major effort.
At the same time I more or less finished my house and finally felt within me a sturdy foundation which couldn’t be shaken by the influence of addiction or at least not much.
My focus was then able to shift properly on to the needs of my children so I concentrated on that. It is not meant to sound like they came second or third but to put them first and do them justice my own platform needed to be sturdy. I gave that miserable head master the evil eye and gave him the roughest ride I could think of and then I opened my eyes and my ears and sat and listened and then I acted – quietly and with the sense of that realisation and calmness that I feel blessed to have in my life.
I no longer have to force myself to go out since I have sat in the company of good friends and realised that not everybody wants something from me that I don’t want to give. I realised again that I wasn’t numb I was just normal.
The draining I felt from my partner was still unbelievable, it started when his name flashed up on my phone or I read an adolescent text or when I thought about a visit to say nothing of the time we spent together. Part of me was pleased to see him the other 7 8ths was relieved when he went. It was a case of ‘what now’ what new drama are you going to expect me to have in my life this time, can you really think of another new lie or false promise. Enough, we rowed we argued etc etc
No One will ever speak to me like that again and I lowered myself to the same level. I have walked away for my own sanity and the strongest commitment that I have made to him and myself is that I will never look back on this relationship. Every conversation I had with him only served me to question myself and what life I have built for myself. I have made a ‘ too difficult box and placed him in it ‘ he is now amongst the ironing and the decisions that are just too difficult to think about today. There are stacks of things in my too difficult box but interestingly the ironing is the only thing that has ever come out.
So as for me now. I go to work, I look after the boys ( and the three girls they have with them arrghh !! ) I potter around the house straining to do what I have to do to keep it right. I pay my bills, speak to friends and go out when I want to, stay in and wallow when I want to and that will do for me !! at least for now.
i remember saying to my partner that I believed that his addiction had done a lot for me in making me a stronger person in a warped way too which he replied. I’m glad its done something for you as it hasn’t done much for me !! I guess we all will learn our own lessons in life.
I am looking ahead considering a career change now my boys are older but that is three years away so for now I am just happy to sit, to stay as I am. Must be the longest post I have ever written and will stay true to myself and I will not look back again, not for me.
I am just happy to let it be