Absolutely still here, i read most days but don’t have it in me to post any more, the reason being is that for me to post and do it justice means that i have to remember the most painful time of my life, it meant that i took responsibility for someone elses addiction and that meant

I caused it
I lived it
it was my resoponsibility
I saved it
i tried
i tried again
if it wasn’t for me
why did it happen
it was my fault
why could’nt i save him

etc etc.

Slowly i learned to save myself slowly i learned that i was more important than somebody elses need to gamble.
Slowly one foot in front of the other i learned to look inside myself and think – not why is he doing this to me but more why i am i putting up with it _ is this all i am worth for gods sake ?

I will never bore anyone with any more details, it is enough for me to tell you that this has been a long cold hard fight and at the end i realised the only person i hurt was me.

But now !!!!!!!!!!! oh dear !! my life is so mad

I have three absolutely cracking kids, total pain in the arse !! love every minute of them, missed a few years because my life was so focused on believing that my happiness depended on someone else being able to control their addiction.

I guess now i can go forward into the new relaitionship that i am in now in in, with no fear, a realisation that no one wants to hurt or blame me, there is no addiction and i am happy

Velvet , twilight

it if wasnt’ for you i could not have written this today, I will always read , I may sometimes post but please don’t think badly of me if i don’t its just sometimes too painful, i have to go forward now

all my love always

Jenny xxxxx