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Dear dairy
There is no other place for me to do this except here.
This platform allow me to be honest and write about my own struggles in recovery and read about others
Tonight I am writing with a heavy heart, I feel that one really have to be there to understand and appreciate what everyone is going thru
I have just read what 2 friends have wrote in their thread and find many similarities and struggles.
Vera and P is doing well now, while Maverick and Kathryn is experiencing some very difficult times.
Better life did not come easy to anyone of us and maintaining it takes a lot of effort and care.
The honesty in every one of you when you write, the struggle you all face, make me feel that I am not alone in this journey.
First we have to deal with the following:
1. Compulsion: an irresistible urge to gamble
2. Obsession: repetitive gambling thoughts that will cause anxiety and stress if we do not gamble.
3. Impulse control disorder: the failure to resist an impulsive behavior , one that is not premeditated / not consider in advance, one over which the individual has little or no control, that may be harmful to self and others.
After all the hard work, pain and struggle to manage the above feelings and stay gamble free, one still have to manage the below;
Many have learn it the painful way, when one stay gamble free, it doesn’t mean that relationship with others will not fail, our body will not fall sick, love ones will not leave us, unemployment will not hit us, poverty and getting into debts will not happen to us.
Hardship and pain can still happen to anyone doing well in recovery. If we are not aware and mindful, prepared or ready and does not have the acceptance, it can wipeout all our effort in recovery completely, it is a very dangerous thing.
Anything can happen in life, especially to people like us. It has never been smooth in the past.
Anything better than the past is already an progress and improvement in life and will be very much appreciated, no need to be perfect. Some improvement in life is still better than none. It is good enough reason to be grateful, contented, happy and have joy.
I remember God tonight when I withdrew SGD500 at the atm machine in the supermarket at 9.30pm, it was next to the betting counter, I was considering whether to bet on a football match at 1 am in Sweden. I suddenly remember and reminded myself to give up listening to my desire and give up my self-will and to follow Him. I ended up walking away from the betting counter.
The struggle that I have been experiencing lately are unnecessary because it was all about ME, I, MYSELF and resisting feeding my own selfish, self-centered and self-seeking desires.
If I had follow my Higher Power, it will be a clear decision, it will be a straight no and there is no struggle.
I only struggle and develop anxiety and stress when I am the one making the final call and I am switching my thoughts between no I shouldn’t gamble and ”if and why not gamble“ if I go ahead to gamble, how much to gamble, what to gamble.
The winning amount is not important, it cannot solve my life problem. I just want to experience the gambling action and winning feeling.
I forgotten that I cannot serve two master at the same time, it is either GOD or me.