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In my experience Dan, what draws me back to what I know to be the ultimate source of self destruction, is both the memory of “high credits” and potential wins AND the devastating guilt and anger at my loss, which my flawed/addicted psyche can still easily convert to potential winnings, should I have the nerve/perseverance/audacity to “try again”!
What I need to instil into my heart and soul ( I believe our desire to gamble rests in our heart and soul as much as in our mind), is a CG can NEVER WIN! Because of our faulty mindset, illusion overlaps into reality until we come to the point of being unable to distinguish between the two and all this talk of progress, recovery and healing only serve as a smokescreen until we see the next opportunity to take over where we left off and before we know it, the wheel of misfortune is spinning again and we become oblivious to past present and future consequences.
When I “decide” to gamble (it always is a decision for me-nobody ever duped me into entering a casino. The trance comes after I have cold bloodedly walked in that door), I know the risk I am taking. I either block out the consequences or weigh them up and say “for today, it’s worth the risk!” I rationalize my actions to the point where I cannot turn back, because this is “my decision, my time, my money” etc etc.
I need to put barriers in place to prevent this insanity from taking hold of me. I need to make it impossible to get past that first niggling thought. I need to know I have NO money available. I need to tie up my time. All the tools we are given here can either help or hinder us, Dan. It’s all up to each CG to decide what course we follow. The facts I have to accept are;
1.CGs never win ( despite my false hopes)
2.I will NEVER get my money back…..( that’s the painful bit for me. I WANT MY MONEY BACK, still!!!)
3. If I continue doing it “my way” ( sneaking around, fooling myself and others), I can only expect the very worst outcome imaginable….
I could talk forever…but action speaks louder than words.
Its all about dropping our perverse desires, Dan!
“The root of ALL sorrow is desire. The uprooting of sorrow is desirelessness”
Food for thought!
Keep posting! Looking out for your posts fills some of that “void!”