It has been a long time since I have updated…very long. Alot has happened…alot good…and some not so good.
I will start with the good. My daughter is in her senior year and has been accepted into a great school and offered a partial scholarship, which will help with the costs. So we have been very busy with senior year activities. She is truly a lovely person and I know she will succeed at whatever she tackles. I am a very proud Mama. Also my financial mess is starting to work itself out. Through alot of faith and determination on my part I have finally gotten everyone (banks and mortgage company) to play nice and have a financial plan in place. It allows me to pay everyone off, and help with my daughter’s college expenses and live comfortably. That is a huge weight off of my shoulders. I did not realize how much of a weight it was until it was gone.
My personal recovery is progressing well. I am not sure what “clicked” or what my turning point was, but I feel good about myself again and feel more like the old me maybe even a little better. I no longer allow his hurtful and negative attitude to drag me down. It is still very sad and hurtful, but no longer impacts how I feel about myself. Which is huge for me. I used to think, if the person who is supposed to be my partner and love me above all others, thinks that poorly of me what good am I. This thought process was a downward spiral that made me think more than once about my lack of self worth and suicide. Again I can not tell you what the turning point was, but his attitude towards me is a reflection of himself not me. So I have grown stronger personally and am much better equipped for whatever the future holds.
Mr. BB has stopped gambling, I believe. The signs that used to be there are no longer present. Money is not disappearing and no one has shown up looking for payment. He could be getting more creative, but my instincts are telling me he’s not gambling. He has not gambled in 101 days . We should be proud of that.
The bad…recovery for Mr. BB has not been all unicorns, rainbows and roses. Actually I can not even say he is in a full blown recovery. He may not be gambling, but he changes his addiction from one thing to the next. He can not do anything in moderation. He is now drinking and lying to me about it.
He is not going to GA, he says it made him think more about gambling instead of how to deal with it. I don’t know. I am not an addict and I have no idea if there is any truth to that statement.
I do know I am done babysitting him. I caught him in a lie Saturday about drinking and was saddened by it more than anything. I told him he needs to decide how he want s to live his life. I need someone I can depend up, trust and respect. And unless he can tell me what steps he is going to take to make that happen I see no future with him. His irresponsible and selfish nature is going to cause serious harm to someone and I will not allow that to be my children.
He has, successfully, in the past made me feel responsible in someway, or turned the argument around on me. Not anymore, because there is no more arguing. He either takes steps to embrace a healthy and responsible lifestyle or he cannot be part of this family. Typing it sounds harsh, but it is not fair to the kids or to myself to continue this kind of chaos.
I also now recognize I can not make him better. I can not force it. I can not wish it. I can not hold his hand and point him the right direction. If a full recovery is to be had, it has to be him who finds it and initiates it or something else will crop up to take the latest addictions place, until he comes full circle or self-destructs. I pray he finds the strength to get better for himself, so he can be the man I know he wants to be. It is very difficult to let go but the only way we have any chance of being a family is to let go now so he has to find his own way.
I have not posted in some time because I was running from this disease as well, I was also in some state of denial. I thought once the gambling stopped it was over, but that is not the case. And that has been a painful discovery. I even stopped going to GA for awhile because I yearned for the feeling of normalcy and thought hiding could grant that. I was tired of the fight to keep him on the straight and narrow. Realizing that fight is not mine was huge; now the process of letting go is my battle and road to recovery.
I think I can say my recovery is doing well. I have alot of growth and relearning to do about myself. I am not the same person I was three years ago….stronger in some respects and more fragile in others. But there is hope.