Gambling is playing some sort of positive role in your life at the moment, that is why it is not easy to stop. But you are right it is the easiest route, but like someone who binges on fast food instead of going on a decent diet, it is unhealthy and will prove disastrous over time.
I felt that when I was gambling after having been to GA and knowing what it was doing to me … when I was gambling with knowledge – that, that was when it felt like self-harm. I knew I was hurting myself with each coin I threw away – and yet I still couldn’t stop.
I don’t know if you have been to a GA meeting or counselling session yet. If you haven’t then that initial getting over the doorstep is daunting … Maybe just phoning and talking to someone would be enough to start with and work your way up to a face to face meet. I know I have said this before – but talking to a doctor about your depression might be a good move – there may be a physical cause and just getting to a point where you can face going to counseling, etc would be a great step forward.
Finally, I used to think ” why me” when I was struggling to control my gambling. Now I think “why me” because of my health problems. Not that they are so bad – there are people out there with much worse who cope. It isn’t what happens to you that makes you who you are – it is how you react to it. Go well my friend.