I’ve been going round my cycle still. Same story like a month ago. I was ready to leave. I’ve spend few days at my mother in law house again. I have arranged a shelter for me and kids but I had to get to the house to get documents.but he wouldn’t open the door. So the only way it was to call the police.and i was ready to do that but then my in laws said if i want to leave i have to get back to my house and ring from there so that it’s not like they helped me, otherwise he would blame them for the rest of their life and now obviously i realised it’s their son so no matter what happens they wouldn’t turn their back on him.would they. Then they started to make arrangements with him like before and i ended up going back to him. I don’t wanna write on here what was he doing cuz I know you all would say it’s a abuse and stuff. I know that. But then I know he is just bluffing.he would not do what he says, would he? And I know that even if he’s bluffing and that’s the way he manipulates then it’s not right and definitely not normal. I don’t excuse him but I’m just trying to stay here and convince myself for now to stay.until I am ready to leave. I think i am. That’s why I’m still with him to make sure i am really ready. Week after i went back to him he started again, this time i rang his dad to come. He came and took him shop and bought him a phone cuz that day he threw it and it broke. Ridiculous! Anyway, i stayed quiet and I’m just carry on with my things.I’ve packed two bags of Clothes and hid some documents and about 100 pounds i managed to save. I know it’s not much but at the minute we are about minus 60. Thanks to his dad who gave him our savings of 450 pounds so my husband can buy himself clothes!! Like he hasn’t got any! So I did agree to give him all that money cuz he was knocking at my mother in law house to get the kids and giving him that money meant to keep him away and quiet so I can leave him in peace without police and scene. But in the end I came back to him, what a mess! And yes he did got himself three jackets, two trousers and shoes and the rest gambled. But his dad asked me to stay quiet and not say anything to him and not argue. I just said ok. But I am so deeply hurt by them cuz specially his dad really believes he knows how to sort it out. I’ll give him a chance to try his moves then. With pain but i am staying. And i told my in laws the moment he does it again i will not come to their house again but ring police and leave. But will i really? I am doubting myself. I think I am talking to the wrong people. My in laws will never let me go. They wouldn’t let the kids go especially kids. So who do I talk to? Who do I get advice from? My friend? She’s coming on Thursday.will i be strong enough to tell her? I don’t know…
I’ve been sitting and doing nothing except thinking about his gambling, his addiction how much I hate it. I forgot to do anything for myself without thinking about him. How do you do it? How can you not think about It. It’s so hard. It takes all my life. And today it’s been quiet and he’s starting talking to me again but i just don’t feel like to talk and start getting happy again just so he can then put me down again. I am so scared to get in the good mood cuz I fear the bad after that. That’s the cycle. It’s horrible. And if you ask me what do I want? How do I want my life to be lived I would tell you I want to live without the gambling problem, without worrying non stop about money, about lies, fake stories, bad language, carrying actions and words towards each other etc. easy to do? But how? Look after yourself, that’s the one. Do things for myself. I keep repeating it to myself. Oh I’m so confused. So annoyed. So hurt.
And after I wrote all of this I feel a bit better. A bit relived of all of this in my head. I’m realising I have to get stronger to make any actions or moves. I know I have to. For me and my kids. I will. I hope….
