So sorry to read you are still going through it and as well the obvious impact upon your children. You ask a lot of questions, just as I did of myself and of him and his rather obnoxious behavior, sometimes we just have to accept that we will never know the answers that we seek to find and even if we do, they rarely solve the problem, but we can certainly drive ourselves around the bend trying. The answers make no difference because we do not have the means to make someone else change.
Well done for giving him a telling off, serves him right in my opinion, I think Jenny as F&F we tend to pussy foot around with what we say. I agree that there are right ways to support a person, when they are at the stage that they wish to be supported. We live in fear of not wanting to trigger an episode, walk around on egg shells, taking responsibility for the actions of others instead of achnowledging our own feelings and part in it all. As a result we push ourselves to the bottom of the emotional pile and forget who we once were. You can spout theory and text books until they come out of your ears on this subject and indeed many other subjects but in this process there is a tendency for you not to talk as you, talk as you Jenny, every time and if he doesn’t like it he doesn’t have to listen.
You have passed on to him suggestions of where he can get help and support from people who are better placed to help him, it’s down to him to decide when he might want to go down these avenues – you can do know more, except to start as I did, behaving like the duracell bunny constantly banging the same drum until your batteries run out completely !!
For now at least, this is the way he is choosing to live his life and you are free to respect his wishes.
However what i’m not reading in your posts is enough about who you are and who you were before addiction touched your life, in fact there is nothing in there that says, who Jenny is, what does Jenny like to do, how does she look after herself ?
I see a Mother who’s children mean everything to her and is desperately trying to protect her children from the impact of all of this and feels responsible for when they are let down. I know it’s not easy being both Mother and Father, god knows I did it for long enough, relatively unsuccessfuly ! Now I accept it is good enough for me just to be their Mother, it is good enough just to be me.
I found that the more I planned to do nice things both with my children and with my friends and yes it was a major effort, with everything going on and with work etc when actually all I really wanted to do was wither up on the sofa ! then eventually the less time and more importantly the less inclination I had to spend time dwelling on someone else and their issues. The company of others who don’t want to take from you and want you for you and your company can be a very powerful drive in your recovery – when was the last time you laughed properly ?
Perhaps it’s making it harder to keep trying to deliberately ignore him, it’s almost like putting more pressure on yourself and even testing yourself at times. Where as you could just say – yeah yeah yeah !! thanks for letting me know and expect nothing !! I know that was a bit flippant, but not to be spiteful but because you have other things planned with your lovely children and friends.
Anyway I shall leave you for now as I’m in danger of writing a whole essay !
Look after you
Jenny