Jenny, thank you. I missed several weeks after my reply to Velvet. I’m sort of afraid, because of all the repercussions that have sort of jumped at me out of the blue (not to mention the intentional ones MEANT to hurt or punish me, by people I cared about) certainly, but mostly because I am so darn tired. Not the tired when you don’t get enough rest, it’s the tiredness that is the result of everything that you do and try being useless.
I need to look into and FIND support group (in person) again. Unfortunately, since gambling is a politically regulated and permitted activity, it’s sort of hard to discuss it without any mention of same. It’s just very hard to believe that all of the things that have happened as a result of CG is even possible.
I’ve gone about a month without going to therapy. At least reassures me I’m not “crazy” or any of that … not that I have believed that for the longest time. Missed last appointment because mix-up of days … I find all this turmoil and stuff really messes up my attention and other mental faculties. Going to make an appointment again, though …
I guess it just strikes me that EVERYTHING (in the case at least of those who’ve married and have children with CG) is in someone else’s “court”. Even though that court is out of control and headed full on for destruction at whatever point … unless the problem IS recognized early enough to be able to take protective and assertive actions.
Your words helped me; strength and blessing I found in them. I think right now the hardest thing is trying to make sense from a “faith” standpoint. My faith is not mature enough to understand/withstand the fact that even God above is not smiling on my attempts … I can tell myself there is reason, I just can’t find it or feel secure.
No, I don’t want revenge … in past I’ve done plenty of stupid or merely thoughtless (or haven’t done) things that have had adverse impact on others … sometimes the consequences of our actions are quite unforseeable … or things that might have gotten me killed or whatever. I learned from it, though and was thankful for the mercy (maybe it was just delayed consequences LOL). I’m not enjoying any of this and honestly wish and hoped someone would have seen the reality and put an end to his destructive non-sense instead of the Court merely a tool and weapon for more. But yeah, when I am in a neutral head space, and when I have talked with my daughters in past, I have told them their father wouldn’t talk or behave as he has/does if he was in his right mind. I’m not giving it a “pass” or saying they (or I or anyone) should “accept” such behavior or talk. I’ve had my moments where it hits me that if I hadn’t taken him to the hospital with his heart attack or pointed out the spot of gangrene on his foot that all of his good “friends” missed … things would be different. But then, so should I. I’ve done enough (wrong) to know I’m not “noble”. But I made the right choice(s) and never have to doubt that!