Dear Diary, Today I can ***** the number of CG free days using both hands and I should smile because it is a small accomplishment, that although a baby step, it is a step in the right direction. Things should start to feel lighter and my head clearer as I attend GA meetings, ban myself from online betting and start to settle into my parents house. Yet everything feels the opposite, my small steps are not accomplishments, only reminders of what my new life looks like without him. Today when I was cutting up pumpkin to help with the prep for dinner, it reminded me of how “he” use to cut it up for me as I always struggled and even though I still struggled today there was no “he” so I sucked it up and I did it myself. I should be proud, but it is just a reminder that “he”, “us” are over, that the shattered pieces left behind by CG can never truly be mended, that apart of me will always be held up in that moment I once lived where “he” and “I” were together, we were trying to have kids and we were talking about marriage. And I know his angry and I hate that his love for me wasn’t strong enough to fight with me, or fight for us even though I betrayed him. I just hate how he immediately discarded me like an empty take away coffee cup and threw me in the bin like the trash he probably thinks I was. He use to say he would love me forever and no matter what, well this is the what and as much as I focus my anger at him, I know that deep down the person I am really angry at, the one person I am struggling to even contemplate forgiving is myself. They say it is best to have loved and lost, then to have never loved at all, but I say it is best to have never gambled and lost, then to have ever placed a bet in your life. If I could go back in time and re-live our life together knowing it would still end the same way, I would choose to have never met him.
