I can relate to so many things you said here in your post. The waking up hoping it was all a dream. The dread of a new day and a new set of problems created, a hole that just keeps getting deeper.
Gambling is a huge mirage, a diabolical con job, a promise of riches and freedom from financial constraints, all of it complete rubbish. We know this and yet we go back. We know that it will destroy us emotionally yet again and still we go back. There is still this tiny glimmer of hope that maybe this time will be different, but it never is. We need to smash the illusion and get brutally honest. We need to think it through beginning to end when the first urge hits, before we go to the gambling venue. What will happen when I gamble? I will lose. What will I do then? I will get a cash advance. What then? Lose more and go into a numb stupor. Borrow more and drop that too, this time with little hope of winning. It becomes almost mechanical. Drive home in a fog and try to go to sleep with the after effects of adrenaline still running through my body. Rewinding the times when I made the wrong bet at the wrong time, remorse, sadness, despair, dread. Asking myself again and again, why? Why did you do it again?
One key for me has been to admit once and for all that I would never ever recover my losses, and to truly come to grips with that idea. Not only that, I let it go, completely. It took a long process of thinking and meditation to finally understand that it is over. Before, I felt tremendous guilt and shame and felt somehow I had to finally win and make it to even. Then I could walk away with dignity. Now I realize that getting to even doesn’t matter. It’s gone, past, done and over. We must forgive ourselves and focus on now.
My other bit of advice is turn over all money and credit to a trusted friend or family member. Get a daily allowance worked out for minor expenses. It was one of the hardest things for me to do because I was admitting my powerlessness. Very humbling, embarrassing too. But very necessary. It kept me safe, safe from debilitating relapses. Other blocks are absolutely essential as well. Do everything to prevent relapse, it takes time to “un-brainwash”.
Anyway best of luck on your recovery, and never give up!