Last night was filled with nightmares of my cousin who molested me when I was 10 years old. I haven’t seen him in 20 years and that was at my Uncle’s funeral. I said something to my Mom about this earlier this year as the nightmares had started again. She said she never knew about the molestation. My memories of the incident was that she knew as we were there as a family having dinner at my Aunt’s and Uncle’s house. When my Sister was here helping with my Mom, we had a conversation about the incident. She remembered and said that I was right, our Mom was there. My Sister spent a lot of time at my Aunt’s and Uncle’s home and they decided that my cousin would never be left alone with us. It felt good to be validated! I guess my Mom thinks that everything will go away if she acts like nothing never happened. It won’t and it didn’t! I was a shy child and this took me further into my cocoon. I have a lot of trust issues with people. I’ve had problems forming lasting relationships. My Husband was the only person with whom I trusted fully and he never judged me. I told my Uncle and Mom about the molestation as soon as I got away from my cousin. I did what I was supposed to do and the incident was swept away and I was ignored. This has really impacted my life. I can see how many negative things occurred in my life as I had low self esteem and didn’t have a good bond with my Mom. I guess I felt, in a way that I didn’t matter as no one ever asked me about my feelings. It’s sad especially as a child to not feel safe because your parent doesn’t care. That might explain why I was closer to my Grandmother than my Mom. Anyways, today I took my Mom to the store and like usual she was cranky and mean. Anything I said she had something negative to say. I took her home and told her that I was going home. I couldn’t take her verbal abuse anymore. She asked if I was coming back. I wanted to say hell no! But I said no. She became mad!!! Oh well, now I will stay home all weekend. There are many things I want to do. I truly believe that my insecurities has fueled my gambling addiction. No more blaming. I am a adult and this is my life. I need to be responsible for my happiness not anyone else’s. I can love my Mom but not like her or her mean ways.
