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Hi again Peanut,

It sounds like you have been through a lot and still have a lot to deal with. I know you feel broken now but things will get easier I promise. First of all, you are a long way from home by the sound of it, do you have any support for you in Las Vegas? Has the situation left you in a finicial difficulties? If so these are the things you need to sort out first. Focusing on what you can do to help you will really help at this time.

As for all that has happened with you and your (ex) husband, even without knowing if there were any other issues in your relationship I can tell you he has left because of the addiction. Active Cg’s have problems with commitment, they have low self esteem, and the lengths they go to in order to gamble leave them racked with guilt which makes it hard for them to maintain close relationships. All of these things would almost certainly leave him running scared at the thought of extra commitment.

He may be taking time out to concentrate on his own recovery or he may not want you around because you will be in the way of his gambling, you may never know but which ever it is he probably text you it being over rather than have to deal with the emotional fall out, active Cg’s are often using the addiction because they do not know how or just have too much damage to deal with emotional situations. In order to get control over the addiction (they will never be cured) they need to get professional help, and therapy to deal with the route causes, in your Cg’s case you have already alluded to the possible sources of the problem.

It is important to remember that it is not your fault. 17 years ago I met a man who I fell madly in love with, we got on great in every way and had a blissful 10 months together. He told me he was a Cg and I often saw him gamble but never really realised the seriousness of this. One day out of the blue he ended it telling me he didn’t love me. I was devastated but you can’t make someone love you so I reluctantly moved on but we remained friends at a distance. 8 years later he popped up again, after years of gambling and a prison sentence he was in such deep trouble he was fearing for his life. I took him, helped access therapy, he told me he had loved me all along but that was not enough to stop him gambling even whilst in treatment and we broke up again. Once again I was devastated and thought too that I was broken but I came to this forum and was advised to take care of me which is what I did. I looked at myself, found what I enjoyed and what fulfilled me and became a much better and more well rounded person.

Unbeknown to me my CG did the same and after 7 long years of battling he managed to go into a strong recovery and got back in touch. We are now back together and have a great relationship but none of that could of happened without us both letting go and working on ourselves.

Anyway I digress, the point was he tells me that 17 years ago when he told me he didn’t love me he thinks he really did deep inside but a CG with a deep addiction has no room for love, they are full of addiction, they do not know what they feel themselves. He thinks it was a mixture of trying to protect me and not wanting someone getting in the way of his gambling that made him push me away back then. Whatever it was I know he needed the space for his recovery and I needed the space for mine in order for us to have the relationship we now have. I also know that if he had not begun true recovery and not returned I would have been ok because I had worked on myself and my life to make it what I wanted, he was just the icing on the cake.

There is no way of knowing what will happen in the future and there is no guarantee your husband will make a recovery (although probably far more likely in Hawaii than in Las Vegas I would imagine!) but that doesn’t mean you will not have a happy and fulfilling life. Stop blaming yourself and ignore him blaming you (far easier to blame you than explain his gambling problem to all and sundry). By all means tell him you love him still but I would accept his decision at this stage and get on with looking after you. Whether he comes back or not you need to be the strongest, most complete version of yourself you can be to have a happy life and once you are you may not even want him in your life any more anyway, who knows?

Do keep posting and tell us about your recovery, there is always someone hear willing to listen and support you. Lily x