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Hi I did it, thanks for trying to understAnd!
loss of money, guilt over that but that isnt the primary issue. I should not have blown thousands and thousands but I was sick, addicted, not able to feel any happiness unless I was working overseas. Money I see as an energy that you cannot be attached to. I had a lot and now I have none. All things can change again, if GOd allows it.
My biggest worry is of decline, that I had a number of chances to change and I did not. I am concerned at why a part of me, ego, systematically decided to destroy me, the self destruction. I was addicted to playing, win or lose. I think it was the emotional triggers mentioned but it was a far deeper spiritual crisis than just that. I have mento ed about the healing courses I have done and have also gone for healing. over the 5 years of my addiction, the learning and the healers I met, shamans and egomaniacs, drove me further and further into the abyss and I was really wanting to serve God in this capacity. There was a wrongnessin some of what I was learning hence shifting to born again Christian recently. I don’t understand it but there are many many thousands of new agers who have made the radical switch this year, as I have, now to Christianity. there is a large group on Facebook. As isaid, I don’t understand it at all.
Physical pain, there is something wrong with my Gi tract. I was given the all clear from kidney cancer in July and my bloods were normal. As soon as I got the repossession order after the binge I became ill in my guts. Very linked. And the depression was deep, plus the exhaustion. I had just started to be very successful, making a lot of money and then cancer started, the relationship went and the addiction took hold for five and a half long years,with long periods of abstinence and then binges that lost everything, build up, lose everything over and over again. I do not like physical pain, I had 2 years of it after cancer and have had enough. So when my guts kick off all I can do is pray. My fear is that God wont forgive me, that he won’t allow me recovery, that I should have known better and that this is my punishment. but would that not be cruel? inherently I know that is wrong and that God is Good. Well for the greater good perhaps, and that means bad things can happen to us. One persons demise may serve a greater purpose. That sucks though and i do not like to think k we are pawns in e great tapestry of life now would like to enjoy life once more as I have not really enjoyed life for years, unless I was away. It is a question of faith. My faith wavers when I am in pain, I want the pain to stop. Does God care about that? I think JEsus does. I got a letter today to make an appointment to see my Gp about test results so I automatically think the worst, cos I started out as a nurse, and I know a bit about medicine, my family all come to me with their ailments. And then I think, I did this to me, so what the hellis wrong with me? I am rambling but this is how I feel.
Emotional pain, not there all the time and if I was working in a great job, it probably would not be there at all. Any clearer.? I will check out Charles group.