I am starting to notice a pattern with my posts. I seem to go quiet when things are going well but posting has really helped me so far and I’ve noticed a difference on how I feel, think and what I have learnt. One thing is you can’t choose who you love in this world. So I will aim to stick to the forum, I sent my partner the link to the website but I will go on to that.
The latest developments: NEWS FLASH! He gambled his wages yet again I have just got back from visiting him on a weekend away where he is working in Europe. We had a lovely weekend.
Within days of me being back we had argued and fallen out since he told me he lost all of his money gambling online I didn’t shout at him or turn him away as I know it’s a big step for him being able to talk about it when it happens . However his way of talking is mentioning it and I have no say about the matter. He gets angry and walks away, ignoring me and the topic. Ultimate ignorance. Highly infuriates me, I have this built up rage waiting to come out and it always does.
The weekend just gone came and the tip of the iceberg was being surrounded by my friends and family at a bridal shower, most of the women are engaged or in serious relationships and although you never know what happens behind closed doors I told him how I felt (whilst still holding on to the rage from the night before) and that it made me question a lot about our relationship. He got angry and put the phone down turning away from the conversation. Leaving me with more rage. The following day we skyped and got in to a conversation about the previous 2days. He got angry and put the phone down. We exchanged a flurry heated of messages, I eventually turned off my phone and partied with a good friend.
The following day I turned my phone on, eventually spoke to him, I made the decision that I can’t be with him, after finding out he was trying to re-connect with his ex-yet again!
We spoke for over an hour and everything I needed to say that I had built up for weeks all came out and to my surprise he listened, without cutting me off or interrupting. He knows the root of most of our problems stem from his gambling addiction and I can’t enable him anymore, by not doing anything to help our relationship, nor can I stand by him whilst he isn’t doing anything to show me he will change. He is adamant he can’t change where he is, although I know this is an excuse, is he just scared to do this alone? I know he doesn’t want to be a gambler, what it does to him is awful! But I’ve said if he can gamble anywhere in the world and wants help he can defiantly seek help anywhere. I told him I’m not expecting results over night or even putting a time frame on it as I know it takes time but a positive attitude can go a long way. I am hoping that once he has started some kind of treatment we will be in happier place and I will support him through this. I am happy to have him in my life but I have decided I can’t be with him the way we were.
I am hoping he realises he can’t be in control of his money the next time he gets paid which will be this Thursday he makes the decision to trust my-self or a family member to guide him in the right direction. We have been down this road but maybe it will be different this time as he isn’t in the country.
I handle my own finances he has nothing to do with that side of things.
It worries me that he is such a long way off from seeking help. Is he prepared to lose me and our relationship to gamble? I know this is his problem and he has to make a decision but I want him to know he is not alone and he can have all the support he needs, or all the support I can offer him, it isn’t going to be easy but he can do it. I really believe he can. What are the best ways to support him to any differently than what I have been?
He has let me down but I fear telling him that as I don’t want to rock the boat! I will not pretend he hasn’t let me down moving forward, he needs to be aware of his actions and the impact it’s having on me and our relationship. I have lectured him enough in the past there is only so much I can say now and how much I am willing to listen to him. I’m no fool and this situation has tested every emotion I have. It’s all about actions now. I can’t keep hanging on to empty broken promises.
The next couple of days I will find out what barriers he will put in to place. Slow and steady, I want us to be together as if I didn’t this would have been A LOT easier.
At the moment – I fear he will choose gambling over me. I know this is an addiction and he has no control at the worst of it but if he wants to change it surely he can seek help or find it within his own strength to do so. Will the addiction come first and he will lose us without putting up a fight? At least exhaust all options and possible solutions before giving up. I am scared of losing him to that – cheating is also the other ultimate form of deception for me but that’s a whole different forum! I love him and at the moment I am not ready to give him up. I really want to help him but what if leaving him is the only way to help him…… I haven’t considered that.
I will keep looking after myself but thinking about my own boundaries is difficult. I don’t know what they should be. I really wish he would have a decisive bone in his body!
Is it a good thing that I have him the link to the website?
Thank you so much