Moving From Conflict to Win/Win
No matter what the age and developmental stage, there are four steps necessary to move from feelings of hurt and anger to conflict resolution.
These steps are applicable whether we are managing ourselves or others.
Simply resorting to “time out,” punishing, or withholding does not teach skills in conflict resolution, which requires empathy, communication skills and capacity for compromise.
Step 1. Step back and separate emotionally.
By stepping back we can better reflect on what is happening,
what feelings are involved and what needs are not being met.
When we manage others of any age in conflict, our job is to help them step back.
Emotional reactivity or escalation may end the conflict abruptly or even fuel the flames. Wait and breathe until you can respond with reason.
Step 2. Listen to each perspective without alliance or bias to either “side.”
This takes objectivity and needs to be done by a person who is capable of objectivity.
If it is you, offer empathy for yourself, “mom and me is not in a good mood and both of us are really fed up; let’s take a step back first and find some solutions that work for both of us another time – delay gratification.”
Step 3. Offer empathy and validation to each “side.”
Often there is no “right versus wrong.”
But both parties feel justified, or “right,” from their perspective.
Each party needs to be affirmed prior to correction or negotiation.
Remember, without empathy for the “hurt” feelings, it is next to impossible to move to compromise and problem solving, which involves giving.
Step 4. Find a win/win solution.
Find, or help the other person find, a solution that works for both parties. When an argument takes place and feelings are hurt, making amends is usually about each party recognizing the other’s needs.
When setting limits, it is not always about win/win; we can offer validation and empathy as well as a solution.
If a child pines after a toy when shopping, we can offer empathy while limit-setting: “I know you would like this toy for yourself. Remember mommy said we are buying for your friend’s birthday this time. I’ll put it on your wish list.”
For toddlers, we might offer a “treat” while we shop to satisfy their yearnings.
To a 14-year-old, we may have to say “you got an offer to go to the Redskins, but you have a previous obligation to go to your friend’s hockey game…how frustrating for you…maybe next time.”
He may still be disappointed and may even try to put it on you. “I know you are mad about not getting to go; you are trying to attack me, but it is not about me.”
By this age, we can put the accountability back in his lap and step out of it.
Most well adjusted kids will work it through and let it go.
Empathy for the hurt feelings and patience are always wiser than lecturing, scolding or getting into a meaningless fight