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I am really struggling and I am at the end of my rope. And I feel like nothing can fix this. I have not relapsed, I am clean and I am really happy about that. Mum is currently overseas and I have been looking after my dad, cooking dinner and cleaning the house and it has been fun. Remember how I told you my older sister found out about cg and wanted to take care of my finances and became very verbally abusive towards me. And I actually felt like I was going to die from all the pressure she was putting me under forcing my hand to be accountable to her, otherwise their would be no relationship between us. Well , my older sister backed off once my mentors spoke to her. But it wasn’t long until she was back in my life watching and questioning me on everything. Even my ability to cook and clean and be a good daughter. She always assumes the worse, thinks the worse even when proven otherwise. It is like when she looks at me she sees only dull colours, it is hurting me. I have tried speaking to her about how I feel and she thinks I am just being a victim and my perspective is tainted. EVERYONE tells me that she is controlling and that I am not reading too much into anything. Anyway she calls dad up today demanding that she needs me to give her my car (for good) because I do not deserve it. And that originally my brother gave the car to her but she turned it down so I got it as a Christmas present. And then she told dad about me and cg and he went into a rage. Dad was saying to me that if this is true, he would kick me out and take my car and disown me etc etc……. he wants me to show him my bank statements and where my money goes. But if I do that, then for sure I will get kicked out. I have not even spoken to my sister in a week so I do not know what provoked her to call my dad up and just be nasty. Now this has put me in a position where I may have nowhere to go. My family thinks that I should have hundreds of dollars, because I work etc…..and only pay what they see as a small amount of rent. But I have a car to fuel, food to buy etc….. it’s like I just can’t win with them. And I had to leave the house (in a coffee shop) just to stop myself from crying. I am really trying to stay on the narrow path, get myself cleaned up and just get through this mess I made. But they are pulling me down and pushing me more and more away making me feel so isolated. And then they are like typical Izzi, distancing herself once again because she has secrets to hide. Honestly, don’t know how much more I can take. I told my mentors and I am awaiting a response. No matter what way I look I feel like I am doomed to constantly be reminded of my mistakes by them. I intentionally moved back home because I made a decision long ago to not run away from my family and work on my relationships with them. But all they want to know about me is how bad am I failing. And it is just getting so hard to keep my head above water. Honestly I go to work everyday feeling so upset in my heart. And a part of me thinks I am secretly depressed or just secretly lonely. Like I am alone to do it on my own. Sorry, for the venting, don’t know where else to turn. My sisters and dad are meeting up tonight to have coffee AND they didn’t even invite me. And I know they will speak about me, which they shouldn’t cause my older sister said she would butt out but obviously that was a lie. I am almost expecting my dad to kick me out tonight. Or for all of them to show up for an intervention.

Help!! any advice would be great, my heart can only take so much.