What is my thought?
I have stopped my primary addiction of alcohol and slot for more than a year.
I can recognize that my secondary addiction can grow and become a primary addiction, so I cannot pretend it is not there.
I need to work hard on my football betting, binge eating and keeping my job. I guess this will be the most beautiful present that I can receive in the year 2020.
1. I knew it was wrong, I am not suppose to do it. I cannot stop myself, I want to do it.
2. Football betting threaten to destroy me financially, and food threaten to destroy me physically. I cannot pretend that these problems are not there. These small fires threaten to grow so big that it could burn everything down in the end.
3. My character defect threaten me to react to the people and problem that everybody face at work and losing my job.
What is my feeling?
I feel that I have the knowledge and the experience. I can stop football betting, binge eating and losing my job, but I do not want to do whatever it takes to succeed.
I did not want to manage my disease, I want to allow the illness to deteriorate.
I did not want to think of the people living around me. I was deceiving and lying to myself about how I cannot affect them.
It was so easy and second nature of me to be a selfish, self-centered and self-seeking person.
Love, caring, kind, and sacrificing my desires is not natural to me. I need to follow a teacher, a master, a God.
I am not beating myself or negative here. This is as honest as I can get about my secrets.
It took me years to practice and develop the confident and “KNOW HOW” to managing my struggle with alcohol and slot use. I can do the same with the rest.
I just ‘ NEED” to ” WANT TO DO IT.” Sadly, I feel that I didnt want to do it. I want to do exactly the opposite things.
What is my thought? I have done it a few times. I knew what to do and how to do it.
What is my feeling? I don’t want to do it.
What is my action plan in year 2020? 1. stop football betting. 2. start fasting 3. stay focus on the work, not the people.
My action plan can be different from my thought and feeling. This is what I learn in class.