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1. (of a bad or harmful act) intentional; deliberate:
“wilful acts of damage”
synonyms: deliberate · intentional · intended · done on purpose ·

2. having or showing a stubborn and determined intention to do as one wants, regardless of the consequences:

Dear diary
Willfulness is sitting on the problem when action is needed,
– refusing to make the necessary changes.
– Willfulness is giving up my recovery,
– refusing to tolerate the moment, and
– opposite of doing what has been proven to work.
To protect my recovery,
– it is important to be able to distinguish whether my motivation is coming from :
– willingness or willfulness.
I have been willful all these time in the last few months. I was not willing during these times.
Today was beautiful and mysterious, I believe that it must be the higher power speaking because I do not know the word; wilful and it describe me 100 percent.
I hope it is not too late for me to take action now and protect my recovery, I was wilful and the damage has been done, it will take me 10 months if I take action now and very slowly repair the hole.
From this moment onward, am I go to protect my recovery
or am I going to continue to enable my alcohol or gambling dependency?
This new job is making the situation worst because it is feeding my problem by giving me these feeling and emotions that I used to apply self-medication using alcohol and gambling in the old days.

Emotion > alcohol or gamble
I become a slave to the need for alcohol and gamble
I need to break free and pray when I have these emotion. I need God.