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Dear dairy

What was my strong urge like in the past? How strong can it be like?
How do I know that I am getting better now? How do I know I am heading in the right direction in recovery?

It was so strong in the past: –
I will have gambling thoughts before and after payday.
When I was very desperate I would borrow to get the money to gamble.
I can become anxious, tense and stress, sometime short temper and angry when I cannot gamble
I can be so desperate that I will use money that do not belong to me to gamble; I will lie, I will cheat and steal to get money to gamble.
I will be very worried and stress all the times because I do not have enough money to repay or service my many loans with the banks, legal money lenders and illegal money lenders. It was so bad in the past, I actually had to continue to gamble to try to improve things.
That big win never come. My life turn from bad to worst.

What happen?
It was the same everyday, I tried, I only try to stop gambling for today.
When I stop gambling, I start to repay and service my loan one by one.

Where am I now?
I still have thoughts to gamble sometimes but It doesn’t happen all the times anymore.
I was able to give my money to my family to provide for their needs now, I actually gave them the same money I use to gamble every month in the past.
I gave up borrowing to get more money to gamble and I don’t need to lie to gamble
I do not have to cheat and steal money to gamble
I have the freedom to use my money in any way I want now; and I don’t need to gamble to improve my life.

If I go back to a life of heavy gambling, my old destructive lifestyle in the past will take over;
I will worry and feel stress all the times where is my next meal, money to pay for transport and bills going to come from. I will want to gamble more.

In the past, I was very worried and stress because I do not have the money to repay or service my many loans, the banks, legal money lenders and illegal money lenders will send their lawyers and debt collectors to pressurize and threaten me to pay up. There was no peace, I was living in constant fear daily. My family don’t feel safe living in their own home because of me.

My worst day not gambling now is more stable and happier than my best day in gambling.