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Hi all

I’ve not been on here for a little while since my last lapse on payday… I gambled for a couple of days and I know exactly why it happened. It’s so easy to notice when I look back with a slightly clearer mind, but that never helps at the time.

A week or so ago, after I had promised myself I would no linger let this wretched illness control me, my amazing boyfriend of 18 months asked me to move in with him once he is settle into his house after Xmas this year. So in about 7-8 months time. I was so thrilled, he’s always struck me as a bit of a commitment-phobe so this gesture meant so much to me and filled me with happiness, hope and excitement for the future. For OUR future. I would be able to leave my parents home for the first time in my 26 years on earth. Independence and a loving home with my man 🙂

But the excitement soon wore off and the dread began to settle in. How on earth would I ever manage, in 7 months, to drag myself out of the £3k overdraft I constantly live on and pay off another £20k in CCard debt? There had to be a quick way out. any easy option. Patience and perseverance was not an option. I simply had to get myself completely debt free before I moved in with him and had contribute towards bills, food, furnishings etc. And of course we would want to save together so that we can buy a home of our own a few years down the line…

I had already self-excluded from my usual online slot haunts and blocked access on my pc. So i went onto my phone apps. found a site, registered, deposited and started spinning. £100 turned into £1500 – excellent, halfway paid my overdraft. But that’s not enough, I need more. Maybe I can double that and clear the overdraft altogether! Maybe I can even pay off one of my cards in full. Maybe I can clear all my debts!!

Of course not. Never ever ever. I cannot win, because I cannot effing stop!

All I am ever left with after one of my many many binges, is a racing heart, sweaty palms, headache and empty bank.

The ‘winnings’ went, as they always do. And I was back to square one with only a pocket full of change on the first of the month and 4 weeks to wait until my next payday. Fortunately I had some expenses due from work so this couple of hundred should see me through June. Just about. Until next payday, when the “adding, subtracting, moving, borrowing from one to pay the other” process starts all over again.

Surely this cannot be what the rest of my life has in store for me? If it is, then I think i’d rather just give up now.

I have thought about debt management plans and what not, but if I go down that route I haven’t got a cat in hell’s chance of getting a mortgage in the next 5 years and how would I explain that to my fella? (I know we all have different views on who to speak to and when, but I simply cannot tell him. He is an amazing guy but i just know he wouldn’t understand this. Depending on how my recovery goes, I know deep down I may never tell him.)

So the only way for me to get through this is commitment, perseverance and patience. That elusive patience… I have very little. But the possibilities for my future are potentially endless! It could be incredible! But it could so very easily be a complete disaster. And that’s what scares the hell out of me. It’s too easy to ruin everything in and instant.