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#14568
kin
Participant

Dear diary

It is a real sad story to read and write because like most experience recovering addict in early recovery. I have done this so many times. I should know the consequences, this is not suppose to happen.

I am too familiar with the danger of gambling. It may result in winning and losing in the beginning but it always end up with losing in the end. I am all too familiar with the consequences.

The desperation to borrow to gamble, the lying involve in borrowing.

The failure to return the money I had borrowed when I have the money on payday, instead I used my salary to gamble more, breaking all the promises I have made.

This is where I harm and strike fear in the heart of all the family members who help me. They trusted me and were hurt when they found out that they have been cheated. They have become my victim one more time, nobody can imagine the disappointment and helplessness that I put them in.

When they become suspicious that they have been cheated one more time and question me, I will become defensive and nasty, this will lead to more hurt to them.

It was amazing how accurate and true the poem below describe me.

Autobiography of an addict in 5 short chapters

Chapter 1

I walk down the street,
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk,
I fall in. I am lost.I am hopeless,
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter 2

I walk down the same street ,
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk,
I pretend I dun see it,
I fall in again. I can’t believe I am in the same place.
But I believe it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter 3

I walk down the same street,
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk,
I see it is there.I still fall in.It‘s a habit
I know where I am. It is my fault
I get out immediately

Chapter 4

I walk down the same street ,
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk ,
I walk around it

Chapter 5

I walk down another street.

Where am I ?
It revealed that I am in Chapter 3.
I knew the consequences of gambling, and its risk but I feel that I was much better than that. I feel that I knew this enemy so well, I will not be hurt by it, this will not happen to me.
Many times I was not burn in the beginning but I always get roasted in the end, the goodness never last.
The mistake and its consequences is very costly.
The last time this happen dated 7th June 2016, I won enough from a football match to repay SGD$1,800 I borrow and provide SGD$1,500 to my family, I had the means to repair the situation if I stop gambling. Instead of stopping immediately and return to do recovery, I choose to visit a casino in a neighbouring country.
I didn’t want to record it down in my journal initially because it made me look very bad, it obviously look like I am looking for an valid excuse to fail but I am going to write it down anyway for my future reference.
I had a quarrel with mum regarding my financial situation. She was suspicious and caught me unprepared with her interrogations.
Isn’t it a convenient and perfect reason for me to justify and rationalised that it was ok to take a break. I had planned to visit the casino in the head, This incident just added fuel to the fire, I left for the neighbouring country immediately.
I never thought it can happen to me but I lost everything.
When I was at the casino, I lost in the beginning and won everything back plus a little winning later but I didn’t stop and continue to gamble until I lost everything.
I am too familiar with this ending and had experience it many times, I knew where I am, it is my fault, I need to get out immediately.
I have met many new friends online with the same problem with staying stop from gambling, many times I want to encourage them but cannot find the right words, I find the answer in this poem in chapter 2, they fall in again. they cannot believe they are in the same place. (whether they believe it is or isn’t their fault.) It still takes a long time to get out.

I just hope they get out immediately.

I was not a successful recovering person, I am not a psychologist or counsellor, I am just another recovering person like anyone anywhere in the world with the same problem..
Regardless of how long one is in recovery or how many years they have been clean, once they have a full blown relapse, it is going to be an uphill battle like any new recovering person.
This year bad experiences has made me understand and appreciate what I did last year. I have failed many times this year trying to accumulate 180 straight clean days, I can failed for so many reasons and had to start from day one again.
I will keep trying until I make it. Last year struggle and positive experience gave me hope.
It was easy for any normal ordinary person to accumulate clean days, but for an addict, it gets trickier and challenging because of our weakness, it takes more effort and strength to do the same thing.

Reality and truth for me is humiliating shocking and shameful. I got knock down inside the boxing ring again. There is no one to blame, I made the choice and decision to walk inside the ring.

I am back to day One.