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Still no gambling, Day 29. But over the last week I have been reserahcing the 2 poker sites I used to use. I kept a record of all the bad beats I had where I would go all in against somewhere where I had them massively dominated and they would suck me out with miracle cards over and over again. Turns out there is a lot of noise on the internet about how these sites rig the acrds for action, giving lots of people in the hand great hands to ramp up the rake. eg, AA, KK, QQ or multiple straights/ flushes. I found myself going back over my old losing hands and found so many insane hands that were simply designed to lose me money. Where I have 88 and flop and 8 but am going up against someone with 999 etc etc.

I am sure it is mot a good idea for me to look at them, but along with being addicted to the damn game (so much time spent, so much time lost, so much money and energy lost) it was a game that was rigged against me. Sure I had the odd win, but if I started playing too well then the cards turned against me. Good example I have AA and raise, someone goes all in and I call they turn over 34 and the flop comes A25. Or I have AA go all in someone calls and they have Q9 and 999QQ comes up. So what a fool I was. I was addcited to a gambling game that was rigged against me.

I am not going to look at those hands any more or do any more resrarch. I need to forget about gambling completely and move on. But I still feel I have made a huge mistake by closing my office down (we had a great deal on the rent, granted it was too big for just me and I was lonely in there and it was a mess) and going to GMA. I know I can never win at gambling, because if I do I will never keep the winnings. It also affects me emotionally on so many levels. The thought of ever gambling again sickens me. But I have done NOTHING since stopping gambling except being depressed and unable to function. Utterly unable to function. I am not a living human being at the moment. My thoughts are all focused on teh past, I am tired, I am not eating or sleeping, I hate myself – I am a broken record. I really need help, so what a fool I would be NOT to go to GMA. I clearly need help. Gambling is just one of my issues, but it is the issue which has come to dominate my life, thinking etc.

Are there any people out there in good recovery who have been thrugh this, their first 30 days or so where they couldn’t function – or am I just a loser. I really need strength to change my way of thinking. How can I do this, how can I change my mental attitude? It seems without gambling and secrets I am not who I was – it seems I need to radically change my way of thinking and being.

My life is dead. Long live my life.