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Hi Vera,

I see enough single transactions on gambling in my current bank account and don’t want to go there to look back online as it scares me to think of the magnitude of what I just literally through away. Like you say, the withdrawals would disappear on the site and not appear on my bank statement, then re-appear and my debt is worst that I thought. But I can’t think of gambling as I’m running in overdraft now so I don’t have it. It’s not my money. A very different song to what I sung before.
I’m thinking of enquiring whether the banks can freeze my charges on my credit cards but don’t want to go into debt management. Sure, I salvaged every penny of my salary this month but I am still broke ! Only positive being that it went on paying bills and not gambling. Where did all the money come from that we could gamble with and we have so little to spare for paying bills ? Baffles my mind.

But the gambling acquaintance (not a friend) I’ve let go but not before I went all out to help her…. normal, silly me, always feeling obligated. I had to see her on Sat to pay her the £25 for the odds I bought from her after she text me on Friday to remind me cos she’s skint. One can’t move in her house for all her furniture and boxes and of course her head’s not in the right place from gambling away her salary, so I decided to take action. I asked what she didn’t want and was giving away and told her I’m taking them to the charity shop half hour before they closed.

She wanted to walk down to the high street with one plastic bag ! I packed my car full and drove her down. Unfortunately, 2 of the charity shops were too full to take anything. I prayed so hard to get rid of this car load. She told me there weren’t anymore charity shops in the high street and she would take it back next week when they had space. She insisted there were no other charity shops. But I wouldn’t give up. I drove along the high street and searched each window for another charity shop while I prayed while she went on about how I stubborn I was. 🙂 And I found a very small cancer charity shop. She ran in and guess what, they took all the boxes at closing time. Thank you, Lord ! I felt so pleased I could get that done. Job done.

When we got back to her place, we had a cuppa and I had to hear the sad story of how her son couldn’t come and help her as he has no transport and her daughter hasn’t been around and ignoring her after she asked for £500 as she ‘paid all her direct debits’. Just felt sorry for her but also disliking the ‘victim’ role she played and ‘woe is me’ cos she won’t self exclude or try to stop…. just like me she she always tells me. I’m just like her, in denial. She knocks me when I try.

When I got home about 19:30 she text me and said that I had inspired her and she had started to clear and sort some items. I thought ok, I really want to help her and did feel sorry for her (well gullible me fell for her line) but if she was willing to help herself, I will help her out one more time. I told her I’ll come and help her out after church to get things into the loft and she mentioned that she would make lunch. She even mentioned that she would go to church too but when I offered to come with me, she backed down. 🙂

She stays quite far from me and I filled up my tank which had to last me for the whole month. So I decided I would got to her after church as it was halfway to church and offered to bring the lunch. I stayed up late cooking and making a very nice lunch and extra meals with dessert and scones for tea till 2 am before getting up at 7am to finish it off before church.

Anyway, I helped sort and clear most of her things and lifted heavy boxes up the ladder into the loft with my weak aching shoulder. She thoroughly enjoyed the lunch and couldn’t believe the lengths I went through to make such a special lunch and she couldn’t remember when last she had salmon. She had gone ‘vegetarian’ cos she couldn’t afford any meats.

I left it all with her with meals for the week including loads of fruit salad, bottles of drink and water. I gave her one of my bottles of washing liquid as she hadn’t washed her clothes cos she didn’t have any detergent or soap. I also gave her a tonne of groceries and household items including toilet paper the week before when I had no money. But she always used her last pennies on a bottle of red wine…..

We chatted over tea and I showed her the skit on ‘Stop it’ with Bob Newhart which Pat mentioned. It made her laugh and I hoped it pushed her to rise above her ‘victim’ status. But after I showed her the skit on my iPad, she said she must get one, too and scrolled through my photos to look at ‘the size home I live in’ and gasped at the size of the garden and the hard work I put into the garden that made it look so good now. I was horrified and embarrassed as my photos are personal and I am a very private person.

I was asked how many rooms I had and was told how I didn’t need that many for one person as if she knows what I need. The question of how much I earn soon followed again. I quietly mentioned that I am an accountant and working in IT now which she exclaimed and looked at me gobsmacked. I again felt I had said too much when she dug deeper and deeper as in an inquisition. I thought to myself I worked hard all my life after getting divorced when my son was only 2 with no support from his father and managed to get 3 degrees, two of which was done part time while working so it didn’t fall into my lap. I didn’t know why I always felt I had to justify myself to people. But it was enough to seal the deal for me and shut that door. I did my bit to help without the need to be judged. So my whole weekend till late 10pm last night was taken up with helping others and I felt good about not focusing on me and the anxiety of going to GMA.

As for the ex, he sent me a mail yesterday requesting my attendance at his graduation. I hear what you say Vera and part of me wants to attend and be there for him cos I know he won’t have anyone but I can’t get over wanting to pay him back and letting him know how I still feel about what he did to me and then chose not to attend my graduation. I can’t come to terms with this even tho’ I know I should take the moral high ground and be better. Somehow I still want to get this off my chest and let him know. Why should I attend for him when he didn’t attend mine cos he’s got a doctorate and is more important ? It will also come as an expense to me as I have to fly to NI for his.

But you have sowed a seed for studying for a PhD. I’ll give it some thought and thanks for letting me know there are grants out there. I wasn’t aware of anything like that.

I look forward to your sound words of wisdom on attending the graduation. 🙂