I’m not going to lie, I was full of positivity since I left residential treatment and was convinced I’d never gamble again. My son was supposed to take my bank card off me, but he forgot (duh!). My salary was due to go in at midnight yesterday. So I made it my business to stay at a friends house on Wednesday night. I promptly fell asleep on the sofa early, about 9.00! ! Old habits site hard, I suppose, but I suddenly woke and sat bolt upright, asked him what time it was. …and. ..It was exactly midnight! And my God, it shocked me how strong those urges to gamble came into my head. There I was, my body and mind knew it was time to start gambling as my wages had gone in, exactly at the right moment! I felt like a heroin addict must feel if they are really strung out and someone is tempting them with their drug, but not giving it to them. I had palpitations, and a feeling of excitement, for some bizarre reason. But yet, while i had no “desire” to gamble, urges still tried to take over any rational thought. I threw my phone and my bank card at my lovely friend and told him to hang onto them, which he did. And I made it through the night gamble free.
Yesterday I went to lunch with some friends who have invited me back into the fold since I sent them a message explaining why and how I’d gone out of my mind recently. But I felt uncomfortable, and it was like I was itching to do something. I didn’t want to, and anyway, my friend still has my bank card, though I was aware all day that I could gamble if I really, really wanted to.
I don’t want to ever gamble again. When I say I left rehab full of positivity, I really did. And that was all well and good until pay day arrived when I was left to my own devices and really, what I’m trying to say is, I was slightly shocked at how powerful the inner child in me tried to become when it knew it could have the wherewithal to play up! It’s also slightly shocked me how physically addicted my body had become to gambling! The fact that I woke up the minute my salary hit my bank account, the palpitations, etc. How consumed I’d been by this thing over the years! It was a struggle, I have to tell you!
On top of that I have dumped the on/off boyfriend for good. Looking back on that relationship, I really don’t know what the hell I was doing there in the first place! It goes to show you how clouded my judgement was by gambling. All my intuitions about him were right, he’s a bastard, and only after rehab could I see clearly enough to confront him and not listen to any bullshit, and discover that I was right all along, but I had been on another planet and not paid attention to the alarm bells in my head for so long. This “new” me, was the last thing he was expecting, but I discovered his true colours, and then I discovered mine, slapped him hard in the face and flounced off, never to return!
Not that I’m a violent person! But when you come out of four days of rehab, full of positivity, and you’re supposed to be returning to a loving, supportive environment, then you discover he’s been stalking his ex for the last six months, you just can’t help yourself! And not only that, but she’s reported him to the police for it, he was just using me as a substitute until he could get her back, and I had let this happen! !!!! It’s just a shame I didn’t knock him clean out! !
I’ve also had several people chasing me for money that I’ve owed since before rehab. That was pretty harrowing. Unfortunately, one of those is the bastard! Well, he can just wait. To eradicate his threats of telling the whole village that I’m mental with gambling problems, I decided to get in there before him and confessed to all the people that matter to me around here, so that should take the wind out of his sails!
So, all in all, it’s been eventful since I left rehab! I’ve had an awful lot to deal with, a lot of confessions, a lot of rekindling of friendships, a lot of soul searching about my life in general, a much better relationship with my son, and the obliteration of a bastard!
I still have not gambled. I feel so relieved and although my positivity took a bit of a dent on pay day, all I have to do is think back to those dreadful dark days when I was so obsessed with gambling and escaping from the world, and I realise I never want to go back there again.