Dear diary
In the past, I was quick to attack someone with harsh and unkind words before they question my gambling.
Now I notice something else that was similar in nature and I was concern.
Before my 85 years old recovering cancer patient elderly mum stress me out when her mind is not clear, I actually say unkind and harsh things to her when my mind was not clear, I lose total control of myself and was guilty of one of the worst sin, I was not kind to my mum with my harsh words and tone, if someone say the same thing to me, I would be hurt and depress.
When I do not rest properly and not getting enough sleep, I get physically and mentally exhausted and tired, it make me weak, and prone to losing control of myself and acting out. I become very self-centered, selfish and self-seeking, I put my feeling and self-interest first.
I am a recovering addict. I have a program, the realization and the reality made me very bad and I feel so ashame.
The whole incident reveal something about me that was cover up and not so revealing by my addiction problems in the past, one I didn’t know or I don’t want to admit.
Now the biggest problem you see on the surface is not due to gambling, alcohol use, money or work related, but a living one.
Something that I realize now and need to change immediately when I still have the chance.
Mum just woke up and having her coffee now, just have a small chat with her, she agrees to go out with me later. Time to made amend to her, she didn’t seem to remember what I did.
I am 4 months into working the graveyard shift, I should be sleeping after work and not do other things, I have lost my discipline when I should be sleeping.