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One of the big problems with this addiction is that one route the gambler sees out of the harm that gambling has caused is to continue gambling until we get the “big win.” This is an illusion – partly because you might never get there and partly because if you did have the big win – the temptation would be to keep going. You have said you do “love it and hate it at the same time” so it would be difficult to stop – until you have to.

I was really sorry to hear about your loss – and I can understand that it is difficult to access counselling to talk about things like this. Please be persistent – it may be worth paying for private counselling (it will be cheaper than gambling in the long-term) but ensure that you feel comfortable with the counsellor. Most will have a free introduction session so you can see. You could also try Mind and Cruse in your area to see if they can offer support.
There are the support groups here if you would like an on-line talk with people also experiencing gambling problems. It’s not counselling but a chance to let some of your feelings out perhaps? I wish you well.