if you seriously feel you “do not want to go on living.” Yes you have lost money, but life is about far more than money and you can enjoy life with very little. I don’t know which country you are in but this link should show you helplines wherever you are: https://www.befrienders.org/
Some people say that the definition of compulsive gambling is that “normal” gamblers do not chase losses. The fact that you have these feelings about wanting to go back to thing that has given you so much pain – shows that you have the problem. And it is a problem – a behavioural problem. It doesn’t mean that you are a bad person, or a loser. It means that there is something in you (and all of us here) which means that we can’t stop – even when we “know” that to continue is causing us harm.
As for what to do – read other posts in the forum that will show you the 4 things you need to take on board. 1) lose access to gambling sites (block or ban yourself) 2) lose access to finance, get someone else to handle you money if you can. 3) find other (non-gambling) ways to use your time and 4) get good support for yourself (Gamblers’ Anonymous as Monica has suggested or some other self-help group; maybe counselling if you can access this where you are.)
I have been gambling free (gf) for many years now – but in the early days I relapsed so many times due to 2 main reasons. 1) chasing losses and 2) wanting to be a “normal” gambler. Both of these things are not realistic for me and I have accepted them now. I know it won’t be easy for you to accept these things either – but believe me life goes on without gambling and it is better than the alternative. I wish you well.