2 weeks is a short 14 days, but my recovery journey from addiction is a long 14 years.
What was I like in Aug 2005 at age 39 yrs. old?
I have tried everything and nothing really work for me. I was so desperate for help. I was very hopeless and helpless.Mentally, Emotionally, Spiritually, Financially, and Physically; I was a wreck and a bankrupt.
Relationship with family was so bad, I thought they have given up hope on me. Seeing me returning home remind them of their misery, I was the cause of their pain and suffering, I made them feel so unsafe and insecure in their own home.
I have no peace. I was having frequent nightmares about people that I have wrong. I was so remorseful and regret of what I have done. It was painful.
Addiction was so powerful; I need to borrow to feed my habit for many years. I was afraid of my family knowing that I borrow from loan shark in 1999, yet I borrow from loan shark knowing that I do not have the mean to pay them back. Those days I was living in constant fear. When I hear the sound of car door closing down stair or foot-steps outside my door; I was so afraid it was the loan shark coming to my house.
I borrow from so many money lenders, the harassing and chasing me for money over the phone was non- stop, and they force me to pay back with unreasonably high interest. I did not have the money and have to face off and confront money lender every week. They threaten and shouted at me. Life was very stressful, and meaningless. I was drinking very heavily to numb my stress and pain. I drink during free time and this happen every often.
Drinking have put me behind bar for disorderly behavior and the other reason has threaten to put me behind bar for a longer period of time. Cannot remember how many times I was hospitalize due to ailments and I cannot remember how many times I change job over the years.
What was life in recovery like 14 years later at age 53 years old.
I still relapse. Sometime I act out in gambling, alcohol, sex, and food but life is better now.
Mentally – the doctor said that I have recovered from depression and have cut off my medication. I cannot remember for how long; it must have been more than 10 years.
Emotionally – I still experience mood swing from time to time but I have very high awareness now, I have developed acceptance of the mood swing and coping skills, I do not practice self-medication now.
Spiritually – The 12 steps. The Bible and God has given me a direction in life, I experiences more gratitude and contentment, joy and freedom now and less selfish, self-centered and self-seeking ways.
Financially – It was a dream for me to be a stable, and responsible contributor to the family. This was something I could not do for more than 25 years, it was really unimaginable, I have fail for so many years. Today I could contribute $500 to the family every month without fail for a few years. I really have no means with my limited income, but I have experience the power of God and by God’s grace, I was able to made amend and return $50,000 to a sibling.
I was almost kick out of the house many years ago and I cannot afford a shelter at that time. Today I could buy a fully paid humble place I can call my own.
Physically – the drinking stop and gave my liver the chance to heal.
14 years ago, the situation was so bad, I had nothing. If someone offer me what I have now 14 years ago, I would be very happy to accept the deal.
Recovery gave me Hope.