I so wish I was in your abstinent shoes.
I’ll tell you something, even though I’ve failed multiple ***** at quitting, I can attest to having learned something new and useful each time. This time I recognize a complacency trigger and also – and possibly even more important – I’ve learned humility. I can’t do this without outside help. Even though I said this before, I didn’t mean it. I was just saying the phrase without fully appreciating it’s meaning.
This last time I quit (2 year abstinence), up until the end of the first year point, I listened to the gut-wrenching stories of others who were coming off a binge and it helped to jolt me back there with them. Then, after about a year, I be***ved I had beaten it. It was over and done with. I would *** to myself and say "I don’t even have the urge any more, how awesome of me. I don’t need any outside influence, I’ve got this". Terrible, terrible ***s.
This addiction is so very real and powerful. I saw it in myself just two days ago. Gambling like a desperate fiend, throwing caution to the wind while convinced I knew what I was doing. Not until I left the casino in that all too familiar losing walk to my car did I begin to grasp the realization of where I had arrived, once again.
I now understand I can’t do this alone, forever. I may be able to go stretches, but over the long-haul, if I don’t remind myself on a regular basis of just how damaging I can be to myself and those around me – bolstered by the stories of tragedy and hope of others, to remind me of mine – I will be back there. I’m so convinced of this that any doubt is entirely negated. I desperately hope my fear of relapse, coupled with regular and consistent communication with other recovering addicts and the constant reminder that I must always be on guard, will be my salvation from this path of absolute destruction.
I’ve had bouts of addictions in my life, some small and some not-so-small, with alcohol and *****, and have been able to rid my life of them. But nothing – and I mean NOTHING – has compared to the hill that has to be climbed to put this compulsive gambling into remission.
